Hold Off On That Gym Membership

We're at the point again where no one can believe that another year has gone by. Another 12 months just dust in the wind. Another (almost) 365 days washed away by the tides of time. We are also at a point where the internet explodes with individuals' reflections of their past year, their thoughts on the new year, regrets, memories, likes, dislikes, and promises for the upcoming year. What is it about the earth's annual journey around the sun that can catapult people into such deep reflections? What is it that makes people put up promises for the next 12 months that they're only going to keep for a few days or weeks?

People need growth. People crave growth. We die without growth. While being stationary can be comfortable for a moment, it is also dangerous. Imagine - for a second - a baby in the womb, about to be born. Would it like to stay in the warm, watery womb forever? Of course. It is warm and comfortable in there, as opposed to the outside world, which is cold, scary, and full of uncertainty. But what would happen if that baby stayed in the womb? It would die.

And so it is with us. If we don't change, if we don't grow, and if we don't move forward, we are going to die. This death, of course, looks different to everyone. And I think people know this. It's instilled in us. Just like the birds know to fly south for the winter and the newly hatched turtle babies know to race from the beach to the water, people have this instinct to change and to grow.

But the real question is: Why are so many unsuccessful in keeping up with new changes? We buy a gym membership and don't use it for 11 months out of the year. We buy a healthy cookbook, only to have it collect dust throughout the year. We promise to work harder only to get exhausted faster.

I think it's because people have an unrealistic expectation of growth. We like to think of ourselves as so strong-willed and disciplined. We think our character is so great and that we can withstand even the greatest temptations. I hate to break it to you but we can't. We are not strong-willed. We are not disciplined. Our characters aren't that great. And we cannot withstand even the slightest temptations.

But you know who can?

Jesus.

I believe often times we mistakingly shift our focus on the aspects of growth rather than the one we are supposed to grow into.
You want to lose those 50 pounds? Great! You want to start being smart about money? Awesome! Those are all very good good things that you can do (and maybe should do), but more importantly, every year should be a year that is dedicated to becoming more like Him.

Love more. Love harder. Love ferociously. Love unconditionally.
Forgive. Let go. Be filled with His Spirit to the point where it spills out everywhere. Be filled with His Spirit so much that it engulfs the people around you and touches every life that you touch.

Is it going to be easy? Not at all. Will we mess up? Most definitely. But a good friend of mine told me there's grace for that.

Last year I started just having one key word for my year. This past year it was "grace". Grace in abundance. This coming year my word is going to be "Spirit". In the end, it all boils down to His Spirit working in us and that is precisely what I want.

What do you want?

xo

The One About Two Roommates

At the end of the semester it's great to remind yourself of all the fantastic things that happened during the last few months. This is my way of remembering. I started jotting down the ridiculous conversations my roommate and I have sometimes and below you will find a snippet of our friendship. Our humour is underrated and I am pretty sure we should never be allowed to converse after midnight.

Patisha: "I'm so drunk right now it's not even funny." (Talking about how tired she really is.)

Patisha: "Can you do me a huge favour right now? On a scale of 1 to 300, it's probably a 2."

Patisha: "You know what I love about this music app?"
Me: "The fact that I'm not on there?"
*laughter follows*
Me: "I'm laughing and farting at the same time right now."
Patisha: "I know, it's beautiful. I wish people could hear this."

Me: *humming*
Patisha: "I can hum better than you!"
Me: "Prove it!"
*both humming aggressively*

*both sitting in our beds, not sleeping even though we said we would*
Patisha: "I love how we're both not sleeping even though we said we would."
Me: "What gave it away? My typing?"

Me: *stroking Patisha's hand*
Patisha: "Leave me alone you freak!"

At breakfast:
*both of us are laughing about something*
Patisha: "I think my heart is racing... or slowing down. I can't tell!"

Patisha: "I was totally stressing about this project, I hated my life. I thought I was going to hell!"
Me: "Well that escalated quickly..."

Patisha: "My internet's not working."
Me: That's what you get. It's called karma!"
Patisha: "Uh-uh, that's not biblical."
Me: "Your mom's not biblical."

Patisha: "We had a bomb threat at our church today."
Me: "Aw, that's so sweet!"
Patisha: "Did you hear what I just said?"
Me: "What??"
Patisha: "I sad we had a bomb threat at our church today!"
Me: "OMG I thought you said you had a bonfire at your church today!"

Patisha: "I feel like a big marshmallow. I just want to be rolled everywhere."

Patisha: "It's alright, you'll see him again. You'll have encounters."
Me: "Yeah, just casual encounters though... WAIT A MINUTE, NO!"

Patisha: "Owww, John Nash hadn't died yet."
Me: "What's the "owww" about? Are you sad about this fact?"

Patisha: "I must be getting my period. It's burning on the inside."
Me: "Are you saying your loins are on fire?"
Patisha: "Yes, my loins are on fire."

Patisha: "Hey Humphrey!"
Me: "Did you just call me Humphrey?"
Patisha: "Yep."
Me: "Ok so, anytime you're ready to call me by my real name, I might actually answer you."

Patisha: "I'll tell guys who want to date me, don't give me anything fancy. Don't give me expensive gifts. Create something with your hands. Do something peculiar with your hands."
Me: "Be careful how you phrase that last part. Might get taken the wrong way."

Me: "Oh chocolate calendars. Making me practice patience since I was 5 years old."

When there is a boom mic in your head.

It's annoying. It's distracting. And nobody wants to see it. The quality of a scene immediately goes down if you spot a boom mic in the shot, right? I think we can all agree on that.
What I didn't realize, however was that there were tons of boom mikes (mics?) in my own life, specifically my mind.

As most readers know by now, I've been going to therapy since September and it's been one of the best decisions of my life. I cannot tell you the amount of growth I've experienced and how much I was able to deal with my past. This week was my last session until January. We're taking a break for a month. As we summarized my progress for the last few months my therapist asked me about how my thought process works now. I'd like to share this with you in hopes that you may find it useful.

I sometimes get triggered by certain words, tones, and general behaviour. This invites many negative thoughts into my own head. These thoughts are destructive. They carry the voices of my past, telling me that I am useless, dumb, good for nothing, and a burden; that I am unlovable. With time, I have learned to believe these thoughts about myself.

These negative thoughts, whether they are about myself or about others, are the boom mikes (mics?). Your life is a movie. You are the movie editor. You don't want those pesky boom mikes (mics? Frig, how do you spell the plural version?) in your scenes. You want to echo Philippians 4:8. So what do you do? You cut it out. How do you do that?

Well, first you need to actually recognize that there is a negative thought. Any triggers, suddenly feeling attacked, defensiveness, jealousy, anger, judgement, etc. are things to watch out for. You don't want these in your life. So whenever any of them arise and you recognize them, it is time to press 'pause'. Just stop the scene. Time out! Identify the thought. Write it down if you have to. Did you get it? Ok, let's go back to the moment when the thought first popped up. What were the circumstances? What happened? We pause at the boom mic and then we rewind the scene to see how it happened. But it needs to be in slow motion because you don't want to miss it.

Now we get to the part where we cut out that thought, because we don't want it. It can go suck an egg. You're a strong, independent man or woman who don't need no negative thought in your life.

Let's compare your exaggeration of this situation against reality- whatever is really happening.
That person probably didn't mean to anger you.
That person probably didn't mean to make you jealous.
That person probably didn't mean to hurt you like that.
Even if they did, it's not your responsibility to carry that burden of bitterness in your heart.
When you finish your movie and are ready to show it to the world, would you want them to see the negative things you think about yourself and/or others? Probably not. Would you want them to see all that stored-up bitterness in your heart and mind? I didn't think so.

Once you start dealing with these buggers in your life, it'll become easier and easier to detect and deal with them. It may start out as a long thought process but with practice, it'll become second nature and you will be in a constant state of thought renewal. And who doesn't want to be happy with themselves?

I know that, personally, this analogy has helped me tremendously when it comes to my own thought patterns. I no longer want my life to be a crappy movie version. I don't want others to constantly point out the boom mics (I'm sticking with this one). At the end of the day, I want to be happy about how I handled the scene.

I'm extremely sorry if this didn't make as much as sense as I thought it would. I'm writing this quite late at night and may regret doing so.
Alas, happy thinking!

xo

Blood and Water

"Blood is thicker than water. Remember that!"

I heard this every time I came close to straying from my family and their values. This saying bugged me. It told me that family was all I had on this earth. No one else. Everyone would abandon me. Little did I know that I would end up embracing this saying more than anyone, but we'll get to that later.

"Blood is thicker than water" was justified by saying that the family blood you share is much harder to penetrate and break, and also more important than any other kind of friendship. Friends would fail you. Friends would betray you and leave you hanging in the most dire of days. When your friends would make mistakes and show their human sides, they weren't worth keeping.
What about family? Family would always be there for you. Family would never leave you. You weren't allowed to leave your family. I don't know if anyone else grew up with this mentality hammered into their brains or if this was just a particular German/Mennonite thing to do but that's what I lived with every day: the fear of leaving my family.

I remember the first time that I didn't leave in peace. After having been kicked out of the house in Kelowna, I ended up moving to Vancouver, literally overnight. Fear and trembling came over me. How was I going to survive? What was I supposed to do without my family? See, this value had so been ingrained in me that I didn't think I'd be able to survive this world without my family.
Fortunately God came through and through his grace, sustained me.

Because of my family's mentality, I never really had friends growing up. I mean, I would hang out with this girl once a month or so but the rest of my time was spent either alone, with my family, or cousins. At school I was severely bullied up to the point where I wanted to take my own life. Again, God intervened and it is only by his grace that I am sitting here today, writing this.

My first real friend, who would end up going through thick and thin with me, I met when I was 15. She taught me what true loyalty meant. It is because of her that I learned the confidence to make friends. Of course my family didn't approve. They thought she may be a bad influence. Interestingly enough, we still consider each other as close as sister, after all this time.

Only after beginning my own, independent life did I realize the true potential friendships had. Friends truly are the family you choose. They build you up, encourage you, challenge you, tell you when you've messed up but never hold it against you. They forgive you without batting their eyes. They don't bring up past mistakes. They tell you that you have so much potential in this world and they always remind you of your shared, eternal, hope. They are the people who you can truly be yourself around. Sometimes this means having a cooler on the front porch while pondering life's deepest meanings, sometimes this means going gaga over a guy that said you looked cute today, sometimes this means them driving for an hour to your house because you cannot deal with life at the moment, and sometimes this means putting in the effort to maintain a deep friendship despite this world's stupid distance.

So wait, how did I come to actually embrace that saying "Blood is thicker than water"? Well you see, there is actually a larger context to this quote. The full quote says:

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

See, the word 'blood' in this instance does not refer to blood shared by your family's DNA. The covenant of the blood you've shed or shared with someone (sometimes literally) is stronger than the one I have with someone who I've shared a womb with. This is not to discredit family relationships in the least and I do apologize if it comes across that way. My hope isn't to diminish family relationships but rather to uphold covenants made in this life between friends.

My close friends know virtually everything about my past life. I've never been one to shy away from sharing. They know my ugly sides. And what did they do when they heard them? They embraced me. Not my past, but me. So yes, blood is thicker than water. Today I stand by this.

What is even more amazing however, is the truth that Jesus' blood shed for me is even stronger than any earthly covenant. If everyone in this world should fail me, I know for a fact that he won't. That is one blood covenant that cannot and will not be trumped by anyone or anything.
So remember this:

The blood of God's covenant is thicker than any water offered to you on this earth.

xo

my native tongue

they say writing is cathartic
                   -i'd agree

i don't know what it is about writing that is so releasing and satisfying. i've tried putting it into words but those words fail me every time.

wonderful
amazing
awesome
fantastic

just a few of my overused words in everyday language

i can't say much about words because i'm caught in the middle. my mother tongue being german, it is slowly slipping away from me like the darkness of the night which is being taken over by the oncoming dawn. except that in this case: the light that is coming does not bear good news. it is telling me that my heritage, my way of communicating, my entire system of speech is forgotten. like the warmth of the summer sun: first its disappearance goes unnoticed during our autumn months and then suddenly and violently, when you realize that we're almost in december.
you begin to cope. you adapt to life without the sun. heck, you embrace the darkness that comes quicker each day. you live with it. it becomes your new identity. not saying at all that english is a certain kind of darkness. i actually enjoy the dark, immensely. but a part of me wonders if summer will come again. i've grown to dislike the sun. darkness comes about easier.
it feels comfortable.
familiar.

i don't know if i will ever know the sun again as i have once known it. it may never be the same. i may never be able to fully embrace my native tongue again. it saddens me because it feels like i've shed a part of my identity and no one realizes how much it impacts me.

i don't speak with anyone that speaks my language. and when the rare occasion presents itself, i feel like a klutz. like a fraud. a counterfeit. not at all true to myself because i stumble over my words like one would stumble, running over a badly paved road. even as i'm writing these words, my mind is trying to translate them, like i have to prove something to myself. that these words are not true. that i'm not at all like i describe myself on this page. i almost have myself convinced that this paragraph is a lie when, once again, i stumble over my attempt to say this in german without pulling out the translator.

i guess i'm just scared that my language is just the start. that sooner or later, all my ties with my homeland will be cut.

i guess i'm just scared that, while gaining a wonderful home in canada, i've lost my other one in the process...

7 Ways Not To Be A Bitter Single Woman In Her 20's

We've all been there before. And by "all" I mean single women in their 20's. You know exactly those nights I'm talking about, right?

The nights we succumb to every ice cream flavour ever made.
The nights where Ed Sheeran's voice seems to cure our aching souls.
The nights we seem to remember every male who's ever hurt us and/or neglected us.
The nights we feel enraged and sad at the same time because our love hasn't ridden out of the shadows yet.
The nights where we wish we could slay the Witch King and proudly proclaim: "I AM NO MAN".

I'd be lying if I said I had never done these things before. All too often I would find comfort in my bed and Tumblr which provided me with hipster poetry and meaningless love notes that seemed to possess so much meaning at the time but whose depth faded with each passing minute.

Having said that, I know all too well what this longing feels like and therefore thought about how I could counter this. Below you will find ways you can work with your singleness and learn not to rely on your relationship status.

1. Grow closer to Christ. This may seem like an obvious one but it just needs to be stated. We often forget that He is our first love. No man on this earth can ever nor will ever fulfill you in the way God does.
       
a) This brings me to my first sub-point. In order to grow closer to Christ we need to: READ OUR BIBLES. Did I just blow your mind? I hope not. Because this one should be just as obvious. And yet: I don't think we realize the full impact reading our Bibles has.

b) Prayer. Imagine you do finally get into a relationship with someone. How will you keep it alive? How will you grow in love? What are you going to do when you're together? You talk. You communicate. Same with God. You communicate. Ever heard that communication is the most important thing in a relationship? It's overstated for a reason. People don't realize what this means. Be honest. Be in constant communication. Be open. Talk to God. He actually delights in it. And always be ready to listen to what He has to say. The more you listen, the more you'll hear him speak. The more you listen, the clearer his voice will become. I can't stress enough how important your prayer life is.

2. Make sure you have solid, female friends. I am incredibly blessed to have a group of girls in my life that keep me in check at all times. They encourage, listen, provide a critical eye, are always honest, and most importantly: value their own relationship with God. If you're in a position where you have no strong, female friends in your life: get involved in your church, your work, your whatever it is where you could possibly connect with some awesome gals. I know some girls who think it's cool that they only hang out with guys because "girls are full of drama". Oh boo-hoo. No one ever said friendships were easy. We cannot build our entire friendship circle on the opposite sex. This just isn't going to work out in the long run. So if you're one of those girls: suck it up and get some girl friends.

3. Know. Your. Worth.
You're not single because of that pimple on your forehead. You're not single because you can't fit into a size 4 jeans. (Boy, do I have to keep telling myself this.) Contrary to popular belief, you're not single because of your appearance. No matter how much your mother or your ex tells you that your level of attractiveness determines whether or not you get a boyfriend: Don't listen to them. They're wrong. Should you be well kept and groomed? Of course. Make sure you, you know, shower, brush your teeth, make sure your hair isn't flying in all directions, and wear clothes that actually fit you. Other than that: Don't feel like you absolutely have to be thin, wear expensive clothes, and wear make-up at all times in order to attract someone from the male species. Make sure to smile!

4. Find something you're passionate about. What ignites you? What gets you fired up? Why do you get up in the morning? Do you want to dedicate yourself to social justice? Fight against poverty, slavery, injustice, etc? Do you love making music and/or art? Do you love to write? Maybe photography? Or something in nature? Try out different things. Just because you're initially not good at something, doesn't mean it can't develop into a passion of yours. Without passion, our lives will be dull and grey. Find something that is worth getting into. And then get into it! Give it your everything! Make it a challenge.

5. Serve others. This one's actually so important. Throwing yourself a pity party and sulking about how lonely you are is a selfish act so in order to counter this, we must be selfless. I realize that we live in a pretty busy world but whether you're swamped with work, school or even both (as I am): try to find just a couple hours a week to serve others. It doesn't have to be big. It can be anything from volunteering with an organization to helping out your friends when they need something. Realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. Realize that we are commanded to love one another and that in this instance, love isn't just a noun but also a verb. Go out and look for opportunities to help.

6. Get counseling. It's not just for the weak. It's actually the strong individuals who realize that counseling is an amazing tool to grow in life and move forward. Are there things in your past you can't seem to let go? Has there been pain, abuse, and distrust? Seek therapy and work through these issues. You do not want these things to come up when you're in a relationship. This kind of baggage will set you up for failure in a future relationship.

7. Men are not the enemy. Can they be oblivious to our infatuation with them? Sure. Can they be clueless sometimes? Sure. But don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I know I've part-taken in my fair share of men-bashing rants when I was particularly angry with the world, but that was a mistake. Men are just the other side of the coin of a fallen, human race. As women we can be just as idiotic sometimes so just stop with the male-hate because it's giving feminism a bad name. As a self-proclaimed feminist, I take this one personally. Though it doesn't mean that I don't have tons of work to do in this area myself.

All this to say that being in a relationship isn't the be all, end all in life. They take hard work and you're better off dealing with your issues now, while you're young. Your problems will not magically disappear when you acquire a boyfriend and life will not be entirely rosy. You may forget about most of the world for the first several weeks but then reality kicks you back into motion.

If you're a single woman in her 20's: take heart and get up. Get going. Life moves on. Better keep up. :)

xo

In which I see this parable in a new light - Matthew 25:14-30

Last night I did some much-needed reflecting of my heart. It started with a conversation I had about responsibilities and assigned tasks. Let me preface this with the fact that I'm a very proud person. I don't always show it on the outside but what I want is to be better than everyone else. You wouldn't think that pride and self-esteem issues go hand in hand, but they do. And in my case: they're going steady.

I'd make a terrible leader. Admitting this in a college whose mission is to "Train leaders to make a world of difference."is kind of terrifying, not gonna lie. But it's the truth. For the past several years I thought I deserved better. A better job. A better wage. Better responsibilities. Something that will put me in the spotlight. I know, I know. My humility factor is through the roof. Take a slice of that! Or... don't actually.

After the aforementioned conversation of last night I had to do some serious thinking about this matter. Why is it that I want all these glorious jobs and why haven't I gotten them? I look at others who are involved in my school, even those who are fairly new, and they seem to have these "cool" responsibilities for which they're acknowledged and praised. They get to work for the school, they get to do promotional stuff, they get to be really socially involved and me? I am, once again, heading off to my job as a "mere" babysitter. That's when the Parable of the Talents popped into my mind. Those guys who were given great responsibilities worked well with them. They didn't complain about having too much or too little. But that guy who was only given one talent? What did he do? He buried it. HE FREAKING BURIED IT. Sorry about that random outburst but this is actually where it hit me. So what if I've only been given one talent? I better work with that talent instead of burying it or complaining about the fact that I've only been given one talent.

Clearly God knew what he was doing when he gave me that "one talent". How can we expect these glorious responsibilities when we're not willing to live with no recognition? How can *I* expect God to make me a leader when I'm not willing to shed my pride and follow?

It's time to lose the jealousy and be faithful to the situations and the responsibilities we've been given at this exact moment. Whether God lets you on the big screen or has you working behind the scenes, be faithful in all.

In Which I Reflect On Recent Events

A smile.

It means so much to me. There have been plenty of times where I could've killed myself laughing over something while simultaneously dying inside. But tonight I found a genuine smile on my face; one that has been achieved through much hard work.

I've been going to counseling for 5 weeks now and it's been helping tremendously. Bitterness, lack of motivation, triggers, heartache, guilt, pain, irritableness, and exhaustion are only a few things we've tackled so far and I'd say we've tackled them fairly well.
I'm letting go of the ever-familiar bitterness when faced with someone else's relationship.
I'm acquiring motivation to complete my work earlier.
I've been dealing with my triggers of abuse and have been managing them well.
I'm accepting myself and try not to boil my worth down to being in a relationship with someone.
I no longer place irrational guilt on myself but rather embrace the amount of compassion I have for others on myself.
I'm seeing my pain and rather than victimizing myself, God is giving me eyes to see the ways those pains have shaped my life.
I'm working on not becoming so easily irritated by noise levels.
I'm managing my time better so as to avoid complete exhaustion.

Like a river, or a creek: I'm not stagnant. I'm running and changing. By God's grace, my life is being shaped to strive for betterment.

I refuse to accept the lie that being stagnant is ok. It isn't. There are always lessons to be learned. There are always ways to improve in. Our culture tells us that change is bad. That change won't be positive and that we need to accept the state we're in right now.

Listen! We don't have to!
We can be content with who we are in Christ while at the same time, strive to be more like him.

Never did I think that I would be capable os so much change but 2013 is truly proving itself to be a year of complete turn-arounds. 180 degrees. No looking back.
Tackle one thing at a time. Imagine yourself a week from now; a month from now; six months from now; a year from now. Would you be happy with yourself if you started to change now? If yes, then why not do it? Your future self will thank you.

Being stagnant, stationary, and stale is no way to spend our years on this earth. Stagnancy is literally defined as a body of water that has no current or flow and, as a result, acquires an unpleasant smell. Don't be a smelly person.

Be a river. Fresh, flowing, and forceful. And most importantly: Always forward.

xo

A Wrecking Ball for the Wall of Apathy

The more I use social networks like Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter, the more I'm torn about whether people really care or not.

On one hand you have this amazing technology that brings people closer together and through which genuine bonds are formed. People are getting informed, they share burdens which each other, and they get a glimpse into another person's life whereas without this tool it would not have been possible. We share pictures, most of which are treasured memories, so others are able to enjoy them. We advocate for things we believe in and try to bring about awareness. Loved ones have even found one another through the internet, whether those are romantic relationships or family members. All these things are good; important even. We are so privileged to be living in this age where we have information and connection at our fingertips. Instead of a letter taking months upon months to arrive somewhere, it now happens in an instant. Oh, the convenience!

But what about the other side of the coin? Though many take advantage of the closeness that the internet brings, it seems to me like people care less and less. We are caught up in getting a certain amount of facebook likes on our statuses and pictures. Why? Apparently this makes us more important and more popular than others. We enjoy the attention.
I am definitely writing this out my own experience. There have been countless times where I wished more people would "like" my content but to no avail. I blamed it on my lack of popularity and, often times, lack of writing skills/photo taking skills. Let's face it: my life is just not that interesting.
As for advocating causes? I find that I have a very hard time engaging people around me to respond. Is it my face? Do I have something stuck in my teeth? Sometimes I want to reach through the screen, grab the person reading this by the collar, shake them, and ask: "Y U NO RESPOND?"
I often times picture myself as this cartoon character, legs all in a blurry running motion, and constantly bumping into a wall only to bounce back and head for the wall again. Oh, they didn't respond? Back to smacking the wall. Oh, they didn't like my picture? Put up another one and continue running towards the wall.

I'm especially stubborn when it comes to advocating for certain humanitarian causes, because I believe that every person on earth carries the responsibility to care for one another. I suppose that sometimes I believe I could break this wall.

Crash right through it.

I don't want to go all Miley Cyrus on you but right now I could really use a wrecking ball for this wall of apathy.
Then again, I reckon there are some walls in my own life that have to break first...

In Defence of Defensiveness - A lighthearted look at what plagues so many of us.

No, don't say that. I don't like it. That's not how I am.

Stop it.

I don't do that. I don't act like that. I don't talk like that.

Are you joking? Are you serious? You're joking, right?

Don't tell me I'm doing it wrong. I know what I'm doing.

I know.

I know. I know. I know.

What do you mean by _____ ? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY _____???

Seriously? I'm trying, ok?
Don't push me.
Don't corner me.
Don't rush me.

Listen to my excuse. What?
I know you weren't asking for an excuse.
I'm giving you one anyway.

Why?
I'll tell you why.
Though you probably don't even want to know.

Am I holding you up? Sorry.
Let me defend that.

You see, growing up
I was always accused.
Accused of something.

Pushed.
Cornered.
Rushed.

Over the years I became defensive.
Of my actions
my words
my thoughts.

YOU CAN'T HARM ME NOW
I'd yell in my head.
I defended myself.

You can't accuse me now.

And here I am
defending defensiveness.

When no one asked me to.
It's alright though.
You probably accused me of it anyway.

I'm just defending myself.



_________________________________________________
*Author's note: to be indulged in with humour. Don't take this
too seriously please. Just don't. Look at me getting defensive
about this. But it's not my fault. You asked for it.
Probably.

Cut the Crap

Emotions & feelings are a funny thing, aren't they? I don't know about you but I can go from being completely miserable to ecstatic within a matter of minutes and vice versa.
Some would call this being unstable. I prefer to call it being real.

A quote I come across almost weekly somewhere goes:
"Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn't apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn't say sorry for falling. Feelings just are."
Now, feelings and emotions should never dictate our behaviour. We need to be smarter than that. Think with your mind, feel with your heart. Give your heart room to breathe.

Feel it
           Acknowledge it
                                      Come to terms with it

You can run but you can't hide. Your emotions will catch up with you eventually. Might as well just face them.
That's what I did last night.

I build dams. No, not in real life. I build dams in my heart because sometimes I get tired of feelings washing over me. So I go look for sticks. I look for anything that will stop the flooding and I throw it in a pile. The pile gets

                                                                 and higher
                                               and higher
                             and higher
           and higher
higher

but the more water accumulates, the weaker the pile becomes until a tiny stick gets lose. Then

CRASH

flood of emotions. An avalanche of feelings. Last night my heart was heavy from past memories that came invading my mind. I broke under the pressure. I spent a good amount of time outside at night, crying my heart out to God. I was about to ask him to please be with me in that moment when I stopped myself and turned my question into a "Thank you for already being here with me!"

This morning I met with my mentor again. I can't praise this woman enough. We're sobbers. We occasionally like to sob. To someone from the outside looking in, it would seem that we're just a steaming, hot pile of pathetic. Again, I prefer to call it being real.
I came away from the meeting, grinning from ear to ear because I love it when people are real with me. I love it when they bear their heart.

I absolutely love it when you can see their heart opening and gushing out is everything that hurts and brings them joy.

I introduced my mentor to For Today today. Approval rates skyrocketed. For those who don't know, For Today is a metalcore band and they're Christians. The theology they present in their lyrics are far more cutting and convicting than any other "regular" worship band I've been presented with.
I love how she described their music after listening to a couple of songs.

"It's cut-the-crap music. It's let's-finally-be-real music." And I agree. Let's be real, shall we?

Real with God.

Real with each other.

How this week has been a blessing.

Right now, it's peaceful. I skipped breakfast and am instead, sitting on my bed, room dark, listening to the rain coming down. I heard something about a storm hitting Vancouver and ironically it's been a while since I've felt so at peace. Other than the signs of the weather, it's quiet. Absolutely quiet. You see, this isn't normal for me. I'm the background noise girl. The girl who always has to have something playing in the background and even, believe it or not, used to put on shows whenever she would shower (provided that particular bathroom structure allowed it).

I'm trying to find a way to describe what this week has been like for me. A fresh start perhaps? New beginnings? It's not like my entire life has been changed around this particular week but then again... it sort of has. I'm becoming excited for life again.

Depression hit me hard this summer. I was in a rut. Every day felt like a struggle to get out of bed, I stopped going to church, and neglected a lot of my responsibilities. I didn't feel like an adult this summer. I felt like a whiney 5 year-old. A 5 year-old that's been hurting and was crumbling under the pressure to be happy. I lacked routine. I lacked accountability. I never lacked friends but I did lack genuine joy.

It's hard to describe what depression really feels like. Some days you feel absolutely nothing. It's a void in your heart, your emotions seem to have disappeared, threatening to never return and leaving you stone cold for the rest of your life. Other days you are hit hard with anger, disappointment, and hurt. Even as I'm writing this, I remember those feelings; those emotions. I remember them weighing heavily on my heart. I remember how they closed in on my throat, leaving me breathless, choking back tears continuously.

It's easy to give in. It's easy to give up. Self-harm was never an option for me in life, but this summer was different.

I knew that one way for me to cope with this in a healthy way was routine. No more sleeping until noon. No more going to bed at 3 or 4AM. School has very much been a godsend.
How does that saying go again? The devil loves an idle mind. That has been very true in my life. It gives me motivation to keep busy.

And boy am I busy now! Well, not like President Dennis Hixson busy. That man is Superman, I'm convinced. But busy nevertheless.
Apart from the usual things like class, work, and church I get to add to my weekly list:

Mentoring with Renee Hixson (super awesome lady who I'm convinced is Wonder Woman if Dennis Hixson is Superman).

Counseling once a week. This is something I've been needing for a while. I've dealt with a lot of issues in my life, but never professionally so I'm really looking forward to the healing resulting from this.

Village Church Community Group led by Jessica Teng. The Tengs are a family I really admire and Terry and Lori have just been such an encouragement in my life!

A new Church Plant with fellow PLBC'ers focusing on the Newton area in Surrey. I'm super stoked to be a part of this and to be reaching out into our community!

Last but not least: Supernatural. Yeah, yeah, save your scoffing. It really is on the list of things I look forward to on a weekly basis. :P

I guess, all this to say that I've been extremely blessed. I have numerous support systems, people that genuinely care about me, and accountability. But most importantly:

I have God.

Either you're too lazy or you just don't care.

"I KNOW RIGHT?" we both yell, flailing our arms up in the air. "ME TOO!" we both exclaim with both excitement and contempt. "I can't stand those arguments!" we both sigh.

A blunt title, I know. Let me explain real quick. Today I got to sit down and sip a java with April in this beautiful (but ever-changing) Vancouver weather. April is my friend. How did we meet? I go to school with her boyfriend Luke who, one day, came up to me and said I should meet her because apparently we had a lot in common. And so it began. The first time we hung out I think we ranted for hours about social justice in the Christian context, human trafficking, and other issues in the world.
Just when we were talking today it made me think of the Bechdel Test. Wanna know what the Bechdel test is? Simple: Think of a movie. Then apply three questions to it. If the movie passes all three questions, it passes the Bechdel test:

1. Does it have at least two named women in it?
2. Do these two women talk to each other?
3. Do they talk about something besides a man?

You'd be surprised how many movies do not pass this test. Having said this, if our coffee date had been a movie scene, our movie would definitely pass this test.
I love, love, love talking to people about their views on social justice and how they regard Christians' involvement in it.

Something we both encounter in our conversations with people are individuals who are completely oblivious to the fact that Christians are called to act out love in this world. "Justice is what love looks like in action" goes the famous saying. And it's true. How can you truly love someone if you're not willing to care for them? How can you truly love someone if you're not willing to stand up for them if they're being oppressed?
"Well, that may be your calling in life but it's not mine." Whenever April and I hear this sentence, our muscles tense up, and we usually try to resist a very strong urge to punch something. No. No, no, no. Please. Just no. Don't say this. You're just insulting your and my intelligence in the process. Social justice and standing up for the oppressed is not simply a call some Christians have in their lives. No. It's a call that everyone is meant to live out. Can you live it out in various ways? Of course! No one's telling you what to do. Just do something! Educate yourself, educate others, donate, write to your leaders, etc.

Try to picture me saying this in love (I know, I know. That's hard to do.). Enough with the excuses already, alright? Can we all just acknowledge that we either don't care enough or are just too lazy to act instead of excusing our actions? And after acknowledging that, how about we work to change that? After all:

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." Matthew 25:40-45

It's not my intention to scare you into being compassionate. Not at all. That would be a false sense of compassion and the world doesn't need that. What I do want to do is get a response out of people; a discussion going. What does social justice look like? How much should we be involved? What can we do? What should we do? What exactly is our responsibility? I want compassion to arise naturally in others, not by force (unless it's by the force of the Holy Spirit of course). But what I want most of all, is for people to genuinely care.

What do you think?

I don't deserve it.

This isn't some long-winded post about an issue I am passionate about but rather a solemn realization that the past weeks have shown me how loved I really am.
I am, by no means, popular in any way and this blog definitely does not get the viewership I initially anticipated but those who do care about me show me so in various ways.

Just as I am continuously overwhelmed by the love and grace of God, I am also continuously overwhelmed by the love and care others show me. Whether you are a friend or mentor, you have enriched my life immeasurably.
Whether you've been in my life for years or merely for weeks, thank you!

I am thoroughly convinced that if it hadn't been for God sending you into my life, I would be a mess. It's because you're a vessel of God's truth in my life that affirms in me the idea of being ok the way I am. That I am loved. That I don't have to live up to some kind of societal status and pressure of being successful but that the true measure of success in my life is how much I have grown into the character of Jesus. And it's individuals like you who encourage me to achieve exactly that.

There is no way to repay you for this immense gift except for the fact that I want to always be an encourager in your life as well.

xo

It's All In Your Head

Today it was, once again, a great privilege to sit down with one of the wisest, most compassionate, and most approachable woman I know: Renee Hixson. Mentor, friend, and encourager. Both of us have a great appreciation for issues surrounding mental health so naturally we gravitate towards this subject whenever we get together. Our talk today prompted me to blog about it so here we go!

Growing up, I didn't pay much attention to mental health, having always been told that it's overrated and that hard work and honesty is much more valuable than emotional and mental stableness. "Therapy is for the weak" they'd say. "Just get over it" they'd remark. "Pull yourself together" they'd sneer. "You're a disappointment. If only you worked harder" they'd bark. Looking back, it isn't a great surprise to me that I ended up suffering from mental health issues because I wasn't aware of them.

There is a lot of stigma and many presumptions orbiting the deep, dark abyss that is the mind and its state. Depression is seen as temporary sadness. Anxiety is seen as being too sensitive and cowardliness. Eating disorders are seen as selfishness and/or gluttony. And then there is this tiny phrase that many throw around like confetti, hoping it'll cure the person: "Just get over it. It's all in your mind." As someone else pointed out: "Why, yes. It IS all in my mind. If I could figure out a way to get it OUT of my mind, there wouldn't be an issue."

What is especially disheartening though is the fact that the one place where people should be able to feel free and talk about their mental state, but are halted from doing so, is the church. Now, don't get me wrong, because I don't want to make the assumption that every single church in this world is like this. I am more than convinced that there are plenty of churches who pay great attention to their people in need and who make an honest effort to support them. I have noticed however that there is a trend among church leaders (and also church goers) that doesn't sit quite right with me.
Let's take, for example, the ever-used picture of someone who broke their leg or who gave birth in a church community. People write cards, they may visit, they'll send meals, they'll ask how they can help. Why? Because the state that the vulnerable person is in prevents them from doing every-day tasks with the same ease they are used to. They struggle. And they need the support. Now let's take someone who is suffering from depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder (I could go on and on in listing various mental health issues). There usually is no physical, outside proof that they are struggling. They're not hopping on one leg. They're not tending to a small baby. But just like the person who broke his leg or the person who gave birth to a child, the state they are in, prevents them from doing every-day tasks with the same ease they are used to. You're right, it IS all in their heads. And this is exactly the problem. People assume that the mind is easier to heal and deal with than any other body part but this is simply not true.

How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, not wanting to live?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, being anxious about the smallest things?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, hating every fibre of your being?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, deciding whether you should starve yourself today or eat your weight in food?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, not having the motivation to even accomplish the simplest tasks?

It's not sadness. It's not laziness. It's sickness. Add to that the pressure of keeping it a secret because it's not socially acceptable to be struggling this way.
Some Christians will tell you that you just need to pray more or that you need to read your Bible more. These are never bad suggestions in of themselves since it's never a bad idea to get even closer to God but these things will not necessarily cure your sickness. God may have grace and He IS able to cure people of their mental illnesses within a second but He also provides other means. He provides therapists, He provides support groups, He provides leaders who take charge and help because He wants us to grow in community. He has placed the call of unity in our lives. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? Working together? As a community of believers? It's not "everyone for themselves". We ought to pull together. Leave no man, woman, and child behind.

When will we finally acknowledge the fact that there are a lot of us who are struggling with their mental health and the fact that it's not so different than someone struggling with an injury?

Especially as a church community, let's put an end to mental health stigmas and start talking about this.

Blurred Lines Are in the Eyes of the Beholder

And those eyes need to be checked out.

I didn't even know who Robin Thicke was until the VMA's happened. Things got trashy fast and the internet was abuzz with talk about his Blurred Lines song. Apparently there is an unrated version of this song on youtube. As soon as I know that there is an "unrated" version available of a song I won't even bother checking it out. Instead I looked up the lyrics and felt nauseated by the time I read through them.

The purpose of a line is to separate things. When you're on the highway and there's a solid line in the middle it means you're not supposed to cross it. What happens when you do? You will most likely crash into someone on the other side. Worst case scenario: a casualty. Now, I don't know anyone who will drive on the road, see the line in the middle sort of blurry and go "Hm I wonder if I can cross it. It is blurry after all. Maybe they really meant "cross it" instead of "stay on your side". The point is: A blurred line is still a line.

Does Robin Thicke understand this? Does everyone else? What this song and this whole idea of blurred lines promotes is rape culture. You know, when you're not really sure whether or not they want to sleep with you. He/she may be saying 'no' but what they really mean is 'yes'. Let me create this scenario for you:

I go up to you and ask if I can punch you in the face. You say 'no'. Then I go: "C'mon, you really mean yes, right? How can you mean 'no'? This is such a blurred line!" And then I proceed to punch you in the face. You know what would most likely happen afterwards? You'll complain that I punched you in the face. But people will ask you what you were wearing. They'll ask you what you were doing to provoke me to punch you in the face. They'll ask you how much you've had to drink. Maybe the alcohol impaired you to say 'no' when you really meant 'yes'.

For those visual learners, here is a simple flowchart to help you navigate:

See that? Clear lines. Nothing blurry about them.
So can you do me a favour? If you see blurred lines anywhere, get your eyes checked out before you proceed. Because I think you'll prefer an eye examination to a very unpleasant rectal exam I'll give you when I hear that you've crossed a line. That goes for both genders.

Dry Bones Without You, Lord

I was quietly chuckling to myself as I typed in my url "missjessicahuber" and beside it the title of my blog showed up: "Recall My Name". I chuckled because at that moment of typing I was considering the type of post, or message if you will, I was about to write. It's something I've been struggling with all my life. Every moment, every difficulty, every journey has pointed back to this one point:

My identity. Who am I?

This question has haunted me ever since I can remember. I grew up not knowing I was half adopted but somehow always knew something was off. It wasn't until I finally uncovered this secret myself that pieces started coming together. Finally! But that wasn't the end of my quest. Far from it! Instead of solid answers, I was bombarded with more questions. Lies began to weave into my existence. I wasn't who I seemed. Out-of-body experiences were fairly common. Existential crises seemed like old friends I knew far too well.

I tried being "myself", whatever "myself" was. Most people didn't like it. My prominent need to be liked, admired, and loved took over and all I kept hearing was "You need to be more interesting." But I wasn't. So what is one to do when faced with this dilemma? You lie of course. You lie about your achievements. You like about your mistakes. You lie out of fear. The fear of not being accepted. I put up false fronts.

I've given up lying about my achievements and mistakes because there is no use fooling anyone anymore. Apparently people pick up on that too fast. Darn.
However the habit of putting up false fronts has not left me as easily. I always feel the need to adapt to whatever environment I'm in. Often times what will happen is this: I want to be liked. I'm not charming or unnecessarily beautiful. People like funny people. I'm not funny. But ohhh I am very talented at making myself the butt of the joke. Making fun of my own misunderstanding of the English language sometimes. Making fun of my own clumsiness. Making fun of my own stupidity. And hell, it worked! People were laughing, I chuckled nervously but then thought "nah, whatever" and joined the laughter. "Great," I thought "people like this. I should do this more often." Little did I know though that soon people started to see this as my only identity. The Not-So-Bright girl. Even my own family couldn't take me seriously. That's just me though, right? The non-intelligent girl. Even my ex's mom called me this.

I desperately wanted people to know that I could be smart and thoughtful but who am I, really?

The moment grace filled my life and I dedicated it to God, "Who am I" by Casting Crowns was playing. Now I am not a huge fan of their music but this song never left me alone because it poses the biggest question to me: Who am I? I've heard all kinds of answers, all ranging somewhere inbetween "You're a child of God, loved and bought with a price." My heart knows this but how do I translate this into my life, my character, my behaviour? Who is the real me? The smart and thoughtful Jess? The completely immature idiot Jess? The one suffering from depression Jess? The one who loves people but also detests them sometimes Jess?

Ever heard of the Enneagram? It's an ancient Catholic way of categorizing personalities. I don't usually trust these things but dang, they are scarily accurate! Cody referred me to this blog: http://shaunaniequist.com/the-enneagram-my-favorite-thing
Go on and read through it if you want to find out which describes you best. I fit #9 like a glove. And you know what's funny? Even the description of #9 says "Sometimes you are hard to put a finger on. It's like you are "blurry" as a person." Ah, gotcha. Well, this would explain... well... my whole life basically.

All this to say that, after years of searching, I still don't know who I am exactly. *Watches as all theology students try to explain to me that my identity is in Jesus.*
Guys, I know. But it doesn't really help.

So here. A little glimpse into my deeply personal life. Not that you needed it. I think I needed to write it more than anyone will ever need to read it.

Alrighty, going to have an existential crisis now.

BYE
xo

To like or not to like. This is our generation's question.

I had an idea about a blog several weeks ago. Written down I had nothing but the title: To like or not to like. Tonight this idea came back when I, once again, checked my facebook for notifications. Sure, there were a few likes on a couple of instagrams I had posted but that's it. As I so often do, I got sidetracked and ended up on someone's page, checking out their profile picture (and no you won't ever guess who it is muahaha). There it was again. That familiar feeling of "Oh look. They got a bajillion 'likes' on their photo. So many people commenting. I wonder what it's like to be that popular."

Bam! That thought. That one right there. "I wonder what it's like to be popular." I like to imagine that everyone has this running through their head at least once in their lifetime. Even the popular kids. Nowadays you don't even have to leave your house in order to feel inferior. Just spend enough time on social networking sites and you'll see what I mean. Go on facebook and there are people who, no matter what they post, it could be a picture of a wall for all I care, and they'll probably get 30 'likes' on it. Go on Twitter and they'll get retweeted and favourited all the time. Go on Tumblr and their posts will probably get over 500 notes within a couple of days. And then you have the poor suckers who might post something really awesome, have a great picture, or something really neat to say and... nothing. Oh and don't worry. This post isn't something about how I'm one of those poor suckers who whines about never getting any attention and who desperately longs to be one of the "cool kids". We'll get to that later.

Growing up I always wondered if they're just born with it. Are some people just born cool? Or is coolness and popularity actually attainable? If so, WHERE and HOW do I sign up? I never really fit into any stereotypical group either at home, in school, in church, or in college. Not a part of the skinny hipster chicks, not a part of the nerds, not a part of the musically talented who jam together, not a part of the book smarts who study together, not a part of the street smarts, not a part of any group. This left me feeling isolated and jokingly I often assumed the part of the gullible, derpy person. You know. The person who always makes fun of herself, who trips over things, who misspeaks, and who generally is there to serve as laughing stock for others.

Social media just served as a big reminder of what I thought my identity among my friends was. And every time I would post something I thought many people would like, I was apparently proven wrong, assuring me even more so that I'll never be that popular kid. I'll never be that kid who everybody looks up to. I'll never be that kid who gets all the attention from others.
And surprisingly... I'm learning to be ok with it, because really: what does it matter anyway? I look at the moments I was so desperately seeking attention in and once I received it, I felt no different. All I craved was more attention. More likes. More favourites. More notes. And the more I got the more I needed.

The thing that was hard for me to realize in all of this is that my identity is not wrapped up in facebook likes. And it certainly isn't wrapped up in how many page counts this post will get, because the truth is that I'm not doing this for others. If others enjoy my creations and the products of my mind then that is absolutely fantastic! I love it. But if they don't, why should that somehow diminish my worth as a human being? I'm sure that as we will enter into God's glory in the future, He won't stop us at the gate and ask us how many likes, comments, favourites, and notes we received but rather what shape our hearts where in and how we cared for His people. I don't care if I'm well known for being a great person. I just want to be a great person to everyone around me. And I think that's all that matters. :)

xo

Things that I'm currently thinking about and that keep me up at night.

• Starting my last year at PLBC in 7 weeks.
• Planning my trip to Ireland in April '14.
• Hoping I'll have enough money for the trip.
• Finding a good job for after I graduate.
• Paying student loans after I graduate.
• Finding places to live. 
• When to go grocery shopping for the coming week. 
• What show to download next and spend an unnecessary amount of time on because... well... it's the summer so apparently that's excusable. 

You know. Your average night of a 20-something student.

A 4-Year Old's Lesson in Equality

Today I was watching Emily & Lily, two girls I regularly babysit. As soon as I stepped in, Emily (4) had already brought out her Toy Story toys and wanted to play with them. Both of us share a love of Toy Story so I was more than happy to oblige and play this "game" with her.
As we were playing though she was telling me of her time playing with a few other kids. Turns out that one of the boys said to her that girls are weak and stupid. That boys are much stronger and smarter than girls. The more I listened to her telling me about her unfortunate interaction with this boy I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and tell her that no matter what anyone says to her, she is still smart, strong, and capable of pretty much anything a boy is capable of doing.

I didn't say that to her. Instead I kept on playing when a little idea came to me. I proposed a scenario to her. Zorg the evil Emperor of the Galaxy had kidnapped Woody and Buzz and was threatening to destroy the universe. Everyone's only hope? Jessie!

As Jessie was chasing Zorg on Bullseye, Emily's eyes lit up and she really got into this scenario. At last Jessie confronted Zorg and defeated him, thereby rescuing Woody and Buzz. Emily threw her hands up in the air and shouted "Jessie did it! She defeated Zorg!" I laughed but pulled her closer. I looked her in the eyes and said "No. WE did it. Us girls did it!" "Girls?" "Yup. Girls can rescue boys too because they're just as strong and just as smart. See?"

She was incredibly happy to hear this. I told her that if anyone ever tries to tell her that girls are inferior to boys (of course I simplified it) that she should just tell them that girls are capable of just as much strength, intelligence, bravery, and courage.
We finished the day by watching Brave. A fitting movie, if I do say so myself. :)

Remember that we live in a world where Woodies and Buzzes can rescue Jessies but Jessies can just as much rescue Woodies and Buzzes. :)

Obsessions

Every so often I will encounter an obsession with people and things. I don't mean your average "Oh, I really like this" comment. No. I mean face-on-the-ground, keyboard-smashing, flaksjdhflskjdhflaskh-ing obsession. You could say that... I really get into some things.

Now, this isn't my typical "The moral of this story" kind of blog entry. Naw. It's much more personal. People find it odd that I get SO excited about certain things. And I have to admit: sometimes I even frighten myself when, after a good half hour of freaking out about something, I look into the mirror and have that look in my eyes that you usually only see in "the crazies". Can you say unstable?

But when it comes down to it, I like that I get so excited. Sure, I get a lot of crap for it. People saying it's weird and unnatural. I get that. But somewhere deep down... I look at these obsessions and I think:

I'm alive.

Update & Info About Me

Hi All,

Thank you so much for checking out my blog. My last post has received a lot of attention (my most popular post yet, actually) so I wanted to thank you for deeming it worthy to read. :)

Here's a little information about me:

I was born and raised in Germany until the age of 14. My family and I initially moved to a small little city in Manitoba but couldn't really endure the winter so it was either back to Germany or move to Kelowna. Since we had family friends in Kelowna who convinced us to re-locate to the wonderful British Columbia, we did. Kelowna was my home for about 4 years until I made the move to Vancouver on my own in January 2010. Throughout the last 3.5 years I've been all over the place in the Greater Vancouver Area, but sort of settled down in Surrey since September 2011. That's when I started my education at Pacific Life Bible College. I initially intended to stay for the one-year, intensive Professional Counseling Program but just a month in, I was convinced I would stay for another two years in order to complete my Bachelor of Arts in Church Ministry with a Major in Professional Counseling. So this is where I'm at right now. Off for the summer, waiting to go back for my last year in September and then I have no clue what I'm going to be doing.
Ideally?

Ideally I would move to Ireland with someone so I can find a job, work for a few years and then go to school there in order to get another undergrad because in Ireland I don't have to pay tuition since I'm a member of the European Union.

I have three passions:

God - Jesus has sacrificed his life so that I may live and I will be forever grateful. He has never given up on me, even in my darkest times, even when everyone else had given up on me. His grace for me is unbelievable. I initially gave my life to him when I was just 15 years old but since then, my world has experienced things I never thought I would. I've let him down numerous times, falling into sin but He would pick me up every time and assure me that He still recalls my name. Hence the title of this blog.

Human Trafficking - Did you know there are an estimated 27 million slaves in the world? And yes, that is a  low estimate, and yes human trafficking is modern day slavery. It can come in the form of labor trafficking or sex trafficking. I concentrate on sex trafficking because it has become an epidemic. Prostitution is where a lot of these women, men, and children end up. It is my hope that God may use me somehow in the fight to end it.

Ireland - I don't know what it is about this country. I haven't even been there before but I am absolutely, crazy in love with it. It is breathtaking and I don't really want to die before I haven't stood on the Cliffs of Moher and looking out to the sea. It's one of the few places on this earth that I'm really striving to be at.

Alrighty, this turned out longer than I expected but I hope that, if you don't really know who I am, you know me just a little better. :)
Any questions or concerned can be directed at: huberjessica7@gmail.com
You can also enter your email address in the top white bar in order to receive automatic updates for when I write a new post.
I think that is all! Thanks for reading!

xo

Sex is gross. Save it for the one you love.

Last night I was driving the car and one of my best friends and I were listening to either Mumford & Sons or Imagine Dragons. Can't really remember but it was definitely good music. Then we started discussing issues. I don't know how we came across this topic but I find myself talking about this a lot with my girlfriends. Why? Because it's so relevant in our culture. And because a lot of churches just won't talk about it anymore.

The ever-present, all-encompassing, and continuously-relevant topic of human sexuality, how it relates to purity and how many lies we're being told growing up (whether those lies come from families, churches, or media).

Though the two of us have different degrees of experience in the area of sexuality we could agree on one thing: People love the extreme. I'm talking about either end. Fundamental liberals and fundamental conservatives. And no, I'm not talking about politics. I mean the religious. The Christians. The church as an organization.
Often times you have these people:
"Do.Not.Touch.Each.Other. when you're dating. No touchy. You want to kiss? Don't be ridiculous. That's compromising your purity. Hugging leads to sex. Dancing leads to sex. (Hi Oma!) If you're sexually attracted to the person, you're doing it wrong."
The you have those people:
"Oh c'mon, nowhere in the Bible does it explicitly say that it's not right to be sleeping with someone before you're married. You can still be a virgin if you have oral sex. If you're committed to each other, it's like you're already married so don't worry. You should sexually express yourself in whatever way you want."

Both make me cringe and give me this sudden urge to punch something. (No worries. I'm not usually a violent person.)

For this post, I want to concentrate on the first example.
If one more person tells me that having sex with someone you're not going to marry is sinning against your future spouse I'm going to have a fit. Never mind. I already had a fit. Not only is this view not biblical at all, it's also illogical and stupid. You cannot sin against someone you have no contact with. In addition: it's not like you're having sex with your future spouse and sinning against them sexually by taking away their virginity or something. You're sinning against the person you're having sex with at that moment and more importantly: against GOD. That's that. And we can all now please drop this phrase?

In this fundamental, conservative outlook on sexuality and purity shame is also a control factor. People who fall into sexual sin are never really forgiven by others, their past is constantly being held against them, and fear is the greatest weapon in this fight. Teenagers and young adults are constantly being told to avoid all physical contact when they're dating. No hugging, no holding hands, and no kissing. But lo and behold: On their wedding night they're supposed to get it on like rabbits during mating season. Just kidding. It's always mating season for bunnies. Anyways. Do you get my point? We're being drilled with ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE and then all of the sudden we're supposed to have this whole sex thing figured out when we finally get married. Having sex with someone is already supposed to be incredibly awkward and confusing. Not knowing anything about what to put where makes this a million times worse.

It's like people who promote this opinion thrive on their youth and young adults not being educated about their own bodies. Let me ask you this: What is so wrong about knowing how our bodies function? Here, I want to test something. I'll say a few words and you say them out loud when you read them, mmk? DO IT! (Unless you're in a public place, then, to spare yourself a lot of awkwardness, don't do it.)



SEX
ORGASM
PENIS
VAGINA
BREASTS
PUBIC
MASTURBATION
BOW CHICA WOW WOW

Did you cringe? (Sorry about that last one. I couldn't help myself.) Well? Did you? If you cringed, why? It's not really different than saying ARMS, LEGS, HEAD, FEET, or, HANDS is it? We have taken these words and made them dirty.

We have taken sex and made it dirty. (No jokes about dirty sex. I'm trying to be serious. Just kidding.) We have taken what is supposed to be beautiful and made it shameful.
Did God set boundaries for us to enjoy this? Absolutely! There are clear guidelines God gives us in His Word so that no one gets hurt by this. But outside of these, there is a lot of playroom. Do you want to hug and kiss before you're married? Who says you can't? (Please don't ask me about whether or not it's ok to have oral sex. People! It HAS the word "sex" in it. Pretty sure this one's pretty clear.)
I know several people who have vowed to not kiss their partner until their wedding day and you know what? I admire that! It takes a whole lot of strength, conviction, and self-control to hold to that and I have nothing but respect for them. But as soon as those people try to make their value MY value, I disconnect. This isn't my value, nor is is supposed to be my value. You like peanut butter? Sweet! I like Nutella  Don't make me like peanut butter. You forget that the human race does not consist of just one generic culture. We have hundres of thousands of different cultures all over this beautiful planet and you cannot take a value and expect every other human being to live by this value.

Also, can we please have more compassion for those who have messed up sexually in the past? If you are someone who has ever looked down on someone else for messing up, let me ask you this: Did you ever get a good look at a smokin' hot guy or girl and have those frisky thoughts? Yeah? You did? Well HA HA. Joke's on you because according to Jesus that's just as bad as adultery. I am hereby stripping you off your judging privileges. (No stripping jokes. Guys! Seriously.)

But seriously. Living with whatever consequences of their sexual past, whether those are physical consequences, emotional ones, or psychological ones, they need to heal. What they do not need, is the church coming down on them and giving them a hard time for what they've done. What they need, what WE need, and what I need is compassion, understanding, and teaching. Let more of the older couples in the church rise up and volunteer to mentore the younger ones. Mentor young singles and teach them about sex. Mentor young couples and teach them about sex. In the same way I want to address the young singles and the young couples: Look for mentorship from an older (and mature) couple or older (and mature) single person. Don't think for a second that you have it all figured out, because you don't.

My parting thoughts: Sex is a beautiful thing that is meant to be enjoyed in the right and safe environment. We need to constantly strive for better education on this topic, and for more compassion.

I am planning on continuing to write on this in the future. I don't exactly know what or when, but if you enter your email address in the box above, you can subscribe to my blog and you'll be notified whenever I write a new post.

Hope everyone's having a great weekend so far!

xo

Go Big or Go Home

If you know me even a little, you're aware of ... let's just call it my fascination with Ireland and everything Irish. I am so incredibly awed by their culture, their traditions, their people, everything. It is my ultimate dream to spend some time on this wonderful island and just the thought of standing at the edge (or rather: close to) of the Cliffs of Moher is already making me tear up. You'll notice that the background of this blog is actually a picture of those cliffs. Imagine my excitement and the amount of tears present when I'm actually there! When I get excited about something,  I get EXCITED about it! I read up on it, everything that has those words in it catches my eye, and I will not stop being excited about this until my heart says so.

But there's a problem with this picture. Not one that I can see but one that others see in it. And this one question always comes up, guaranteed:

"Why Ireland? That'd odd/weird." Confused looks follow. A couple of sneers. Some snide remarks. A few mocking words.

To this day I don't understand people's reactions as much as they don't understand my dreams aparently. I actually find it very insulting most of the time. Something that is very dear to my heart has just been shared with you and your idea of a response is mockery?

You know what I have seen in church culture nowadays? Everybody is supposed to live the same. Same old, generic lives. Grow up in a Christian home, get a Christian education, start courting, get married, have 2.1 kids, husband works in either ministry or an office job, and the wife does the same or she stays home, work until you're retired and that's it. Do some Christian stuff on the side lines such as going to the soup kitchen once in a blue moon, and one grande vacation with the kids once a year. Yeeeaaah. That's the LIFE! Yes? No?

Alrighty, so maybe this isn't how most families do life but it sure seems that way. Why else would I get so much scrutiny for daring to dream big? Hasn't the motto always been "Go Big or Go Home"? Correct me if I'm wrong but my impression of God is that he's a pretty big dreamer.

What I'm saying is that a lot of times I feel like I have to justify my dreams to others. "There must be a reason why you love this country so much!" Why? Why does there have to be one? Can't I just appreciate something without having to defend my right to appreciate it? Just let me appreciate it, ok? If you want to learn knitting, if you are in love with the nation of Tuvalu (and yes, I google searched "obscure countries" for this one), if you want to learn Klingon, if you are madly in love with collecting receipts from every town you visit and it brings you joy, why would I ever question that? Why would I mock you for it? Why on EARTH would I somehow think to myself that this is a stupid thing to do or a waste of time? Especially as friends, I think you ought to support each other in your dreams and passions. That is what friendship is. I have a few friends who jokingly mock me about this because every time I see something that has the words "Irish" or "Ireland" on it, it's like a million little butterflies just spontaneously hatched inside my stomach. So they laugh it off. But I also know that those people genuinely want to see me living out this dream because they care and they have something they're passionate about which I, in turn, support. They know what it's like to love something unconditionally. They know what it feels like.

Look, God has put things into our lives to enjoy. I know! Big shocker, right? Whaaaat? God wants me to enjoy things?
Absolutely.
He created this world so that we would maintain and enjoy it. When He looked at the Cliffs of Moher He knew exactly that someday, I would come along and completely fall in love with them. And He wants me to. He wants me to be passionate about something.

Without passion, we are just empty shells, doing empty work, which produces empty results. Sure, you'll get results but they'll mean nothing to you.
Where has the passion gone? Why don't people get excited anymore? Passion has so much disappeared from this world that some literally think I'm insane for embracing it.

Whenever I think of this, I think of Rapunzel in Tangled and the big musical number in the tavern/pub called The Snuggly Duckling (it's quite the hilarious song). You hear all these big and scary men expressing their dreams and at first you're like "You want to do WHAT?" but as you look closer, there's a child behind each one of those faces, dreaming.

One of the things that actually keeps me sane and hopeful is that, one day I get to enjoy the wind greeting my face and making its way through my hair while I stand at the edge of those cliffs, closing my eyes, and taking in God's beauty. I can hear the waves violently crashing against the bottom and then softly retreating back to the sea. The sun is setting, coating the landscape in its usual, golden self while the seagulls are preparing for the day to end. This is freedom.

True freedom lets you have dreams and passions. As long as you have nothing you are passionate about, I don't think you're allowing yourself to be completely free.

Next time someone tells you about their dream, whether you think of it as obscure or not, embrace it with them because they're investing in something. Then share your own passions with them. One of the most wonderful thing about talking to people is seeing their eyes light up when they talk about their dreams. It's proof that we were created in God's image.

Daring to dream big.

Communicating with the Almighty

You'd think that after having been through the counseling program I'd be a display of perfect communication.

TADAA! I'm not. Actually... far from it, to be quite honest. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I am passive aggressive, I get defensive, and since having spent most of my life as a doormat for others, I don't address issues very well. Continually living in the doormat mentally where I get wronged, don't say anything about it, and then hate you for the rest of my life. Just kidding. I don't hate you. Unless you're the kind of person who drives 40kmh in a 50 kmh zone. Then you seriously need to reconsider your priorities in life and GET.OFF.THE.ROAD. But I'll never tell you that. I would much rather stay in my car, swear like a sailor and as soon as a second lane opens up, zip past you and give you the death glare as my foot presses against the pedal. I was built for speed racing ok. But we'll get past this.

Lately I've found it very hard to communicate with God. Most of the time I wouldn't even bother at all. Today I had a great realization (though common sense would suggest that God probably gave me this idea in the first place). Since I love blogging so much, why don't I just write out my prayers? It could be like a blog directed towards God. The entire time though I was thinking: What if this isn't the right way to pray? What if this doesn't count? So my first paragraph (and the only one I'm going to share) was this:

"I find it difficult, talking to you. Like I'm not sure how you're going to respond. Writing is easier for me and it helps. I hope this is ok with you since I'm pretty sure you can read."

Yeah... communication isn't easy for me. Though as I kept writing I could honestly feel my heart emptying out. I told him things I haven't told him in years. I asked him things I haven't asked him in years. And I even made a commitment to write to him everyday. Even if it's mostly blank pages, it still means that I'm sitting down intentionally and listen.

I'm pretty sure God is ok with this. If you have an unusual way of communicating with the almighty, don't worry about it. Just like God is able to work through so many situations and people in life, I'm pretty sure he knows your heart in this as long as you just keep communicating with him.

xo

Tenderness vs. Toughness

As much as I dislike Zooey Deschanel, i feel the need to open this post by quoting one of her famous words:
"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, i feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things... Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."

But this isn't about me or how I feel about Zooey. This is about tenderness and strength and how often we mistakenly live in this world trying to choose between one or the other.
Dan Allender, author of The Wounded Heart - Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, asks this very important question: "When was the las time you wept for another? If there are no tears in your life, I already know you're not a tender man or a tender woman."

This is so important. If you do not weep, let me ask you this: At what point in your life did you tears disappear? When did they dry up? Sure, maybe you're able to shed a tear for your favorite TV show but when was the last time you wept for others or yourself? If your'e a man, don't even start with the whole "Men just don't cry" bull crap.

Jesus wept. He wept for others. He was a profound example of a tender man. What does tenderness mean? Tenderness means being affectionate, compassionate, and soft. It is not simply a kind of niceness, being polite or considerate. Can you be tender and yet strong? Absolutely! Strength, as opposed to popular opinion, does not mean being stoic, arrogant, merciless, rough or uncaring.

In our culture, tenderness is frowned upon. It is shamed, constantly. We are always told to be strong, to stop crying, to "just get over it". Oh how it bothers me when someone is told to stop crying or told to get over something that obviously deeply affected that person. We need to stop associating tears with shame. You know what I find shameful? Those who refuse to weep on the grounds of social protocol. You want to prove you're a man? Tell me what makes you weep. I am not impressed by anyone who is proud of being able to hold it together all the time. Are you telling me that, as a Christian man or woman, you can look at every broken person in this world, everyone who has been or is being abuse, enslaved, and/or mistreated and it stirs nothing in you? Then you have no tenderness in you. Then you are far from trying to be like Jesus.

Maybe there was a point in your life where you decided that tears aren't worth your time anymore. Maybe this happened as a result of abuse. I dont' know. But if it did, let me ask you this: Are you willing to open up the gates again? Are you willing to let tenderness infiltrate your body, soul, and mind? Are you willing to face what happened to you and mourn for yourself? Only when you're willing to let this happen, can healing begin.

I challenge you to take out some time and really think about what makes your heart break. What makes compassion rise up in you? What makes you wee? And then weep. Let it just pour over you and change you. Only then will we understand how broken humanity is and how desperately it needs a Saviour.

xo

Why making a difference is a big thing that isn't actually a big thing.

Confused? Let me elaborate.

Last night I laid in bed trying to find those darn sheep in my mind so I could start counting them. As they were, apparently, nowhere to be found, I was left alone with my thoughts. Dangerous, I know.

I started thinking of what I'm doing with my life and how I had this constant need to do something big. Something HUGE. Because, c'mon. Who doesn't want to do something grand with their life? Then I thought of all the world-changing men and women I knew and an all-too familiar, green monster crept up on me. Jealousy. Ugh. Why do they have to be so famous and popular and well-liked? Look at them. Travelling the world. Changing lives. Being awesome. 

What am I doing? I'm a college student on summer break, desperately trying to find full-time employment, just figured out how to make a grilled cheese sandwich (true story), and though I've been on my own feet for the last 4 years I'm still trying to figure out how to do this life thing. So you must understand my frustration when I look at those famous and popular people who are making a world of difference and who seem to have it all figured out. 

After wallowing in my own pity for a while I tried this positive thinking all these therapists are talking about. (Would highly recommend. Use responsibly.) I mean, if I'm going to be a therapist in the future, I might as well get a feel of what I'll be prescribing my future clients, right? Right. 

So here we go. What if ... You do not have to be famous or popular to leave behind a legacy that will change the world because as long as one person is impacted by you, the world has already been changed. So stop thinking you're not able to because of your status. After that one person, you move on to the next and so forth. 

I don't have to have- Sorry, WE don't have to have all the resources and all the popularity. 

Most of us are not going to be changing entire countries and nations. 

You know where we need to start? Our own hearts. Dive deep into scripture and ask God to change your heart from the inside out. God will use you to impact your surroundings in a mighty way. Don't be disappointed if He "only" gives you one person to impact at a time. This alone is awesome! Can you imagine? Because of how God worked through you, this person's life will be changed. 

In the end it's not about us and not even about the people being impacted. It's about the glory God receives through all this. That's the important thing. 

Be a heart-changer. :)