Give Me My Daily Bread and My Daily Death

"God is great, so we don't have to be in control. God is glorious, so we don't have to fear others. God is good so we don't have to look elsewhere. God is gracious, so we don't have to prove ourselves."

The four absolutes still ring with truth, as clear as I first heard them. When I sat in church yesterday and listened to the message, I begged God to show me what it means to clearly live them out. I want to be completely transparent and note that I have been struggling heavily with disbelief lately. There are moments and days when God either doesn't seem real or an idea too good to be true. What are the chances that there is a good God who created this earth and freely gave up his son to atone for our sins so that we would have the hope of spending eternity in his glory? It just seemed like too optimistic of a plan. What did people mean when they said I don't even have to do anything except to rely on his grace to pull me into freedom? How could I possibly be sure of my salvation if this entire philosophy relied on faith and faith alone? My soul became restless, filled with fear of the unknown. Conveniently, I spent the last few months listening to Village Church's Great Debate series, where we explored different philosophies and worldviews. It gave me some intellectual insurance by walking through these views and philosophically taking them apart and seeing why they couldn't possibly be the truth. 

Disbelief causes fear of the unknown. I am in a stage of life where nothing is predictable. Of course, no matter what stage of life you are in, it is never predictable, however I am feeling this even more so with finishing up my college degree and finding a place to live. As I listened to the attributes of God being explained yesterday morning I wanted God to truly show his face to me by helping me live these views out. I knew that, at that moment, I challenged God. When you ask God to show you something or to help you overcome a certain area of your life, do not take it lightly. Be prepared for him to wreck you completely so that, in the end, you have nothing left to rely on but him. 

Yesterday morning I was under the impression that a certain area of my life had worked out for sure and was secured. I was excited and couldn't wait for that time to begin. When I asked God to show me what it means to trust him, I had no idea what he would do. I came home to a missed call and a voicemail on my phone. Listening to the message made my heart drop because in that second, just like that, my plan fell to pieces. Something that I was so sure of simply vanished into thin air, leaving me to decide what my attitude was going to be towards it. Was I going to get bitter and complain? Or would I pick up my heart and hand all of my expectations to God instead of keeping them inside my own hands? I decided that fear wasn't worth the feeling of control over my own life. I would rather put my faith in the one who holds this world and everything in it. 

Strangely, that situation and my changed attitude towards it erased much of my held disbelief in God's sovereignty and his existence in general. It seemed like I had the thing I wanted, it was taken away, and my faith was strengthened. This is grace. This is love. And this is the faith that I cling to. I want to die to my own desires, my own control, and my own need to fix things every single day. When Jesus teaches us to pray, he says to ask God to give us our daily bread. Not our weekly bread. Not our monthly bread. Not our yearly bread. Our faith relies on a day-to-day system where we deny ourselves each day and also trust God to provide for us that very day. 

Take My Heart - I'll Be Okay

Vulnerability is a tough concept to master. True vulnerability lays it all out while also being confident about the facts we are presenting about ourselves. In order to do this we must develop a thick skin and a soft heart. But how do we do this? It's a cruel trick, because when our hearts start becoming soft, so does our skin. All this leads to is our compassion and kindness coming back to bite us because we cannot differentiate between kindness and being taken advantage of. If we do, however decide to let our skin harden, often times our hearts suffer and become like stone. We become closed off.
All my life I have been told to develop a thick skin. It was for my own protection and safety. I have found this to be an extremely difficult concept, mainly due to the fact that my soft heart will not let my skin harden. I often become defensive and let others take advantage of myself. This creates a victim mentality, which creates bitterness and in turn hardens my heart. And so it seems like the only time my skin actually begins to harden, it does so at the expense of my heart.
How do we find the balance of possessing thick skin and a soft heart? Unfortunately I have not found this yet. I tend to drift towards softening every aspect of my existence, which means that I feel easily attacked.

Vulnerability does not equal weakness. Vulnerability speaks of a strength that few of us bother exploring because it is painful. Vulnerability says "Take my heart and explore. I trust that you will not damage it. But even if you do, I will be okay."

I will never stop asking God to show me the concept of true vulnerability, because it gives me life.

Never Changing

In my bed I am safe. The purple blanket I have owned for over five years provides comfort and familiarity. Amidst this life of ever-changing circumstances and situations, it's nice to know that some things remain constant. Never-changing. Trustworthy.
I cannot count the number of times my life has taken a dramatic turn into the opposite direction within a matter of minutes. Most of the time, these have been negative circumstances. Moments of utter defeat. Moments where life seems to just have shattered on the ground before me, leaving parts of me in shambles.

Disappointment. Disconnect. Disillusionment. Distractions. Distance.

You're pushing down on my shoulders
And emptying my lungs
An in a moment I'm older
In a moment, you've won
And you escape me
Like it's nothing
Like words I never should have said
And the stress comes to the surface
But all of the heroes are dead

Too often I find myself gasping for air in this life. I need to feel alive. When you are surrounded by brokenness, it is easy to believe that you are dead inside. Years of depression have taught me that. It is a slow drowning of your mind. You are surrounded by water. Oxygen is becoming scarce.

At some point I remembered that I am not dead yet. I needed air in my lungs. I was tired of life pushing down on them while I did nothing and just watched. When circumstances change, when the water begins to rise, and when disillusionment sets it, I see the constant. Instead of distractions, I receive focus. Instead of distance and disconnect, I get closeness. Instead of guilt, I get God.

He is my never-changing One.

Two Sides of the Coin

Loneliness is real. Why do you think porn is so profitable? It leeches onto those that are lonely inside. It's also why Netflix and pizza places are so popular. No? Maybe that's just me...
Point being is that whoever tells you loneliness is not real or not painful or easily fixed with material things is a dirty, dirty liar and is probably trying to sell you something.

The dilemma I've had to confront more and more lately is choosing a particular side when it comes to relationships. Those sides being: either accepting that there is no one out there "for me" or holding on to hope that, maybe someday, I'll find someone to share this life with on a day-to-day basis. I wrestled through this with my mentor, exploring each side in depth.

One side of the coin: Acceptance
I can look at my life the way it is right now, realize that I'm okay, and move on. I can recognize that I do not, in fact, need someone to fulfill certain needs and desires because sacrificial living is necessary. Everyone sacrifices something different, right? In my case it might just be my "right" to be in a healthy relationship. Quotation marks are used because too often we find ourselves being entitled to certain things in this life like relationships. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn that, just because you desire something, does not mean you are automatically entitled to it. I desire lots of different relationships (both romantic and non-romantic ones), but does that mean I'm ever going to get them? No. See, this is tricky because we were created for the purpose of relationship and community, so knowing that some will not ever get this doesn't seem fair. But then again, it also doesn't seem fair that a 10 year old girl is sold into slavery. It doesn't seem fair that a guy in his twenties is diagnosed with cancer and dies. It doesn't seem fair that people suffer. Period. Putting life into the right perspective can get you a lot of insight and challenge long-held beliefs you held on to. Technically I don't deserve anything, yet I have been blessed immensely by God's grace that is evident in my life, daily. Fabienne Harford, in her article entitled 'Sex and the Single Woman', points out that "Today, my body wants something tangible and physical it was designed to have. And today, I don't get to have that thing. Of course my body grumbles, and as it does, I get to testify that in the midst of my hunger, God is trustworthy. I'm learning to hunger for something better." Well put, Fabienne.

Other side of the coin: Hope
I'm young, right? Most would say so. My grandma would probably say I'm long overdue for marriage, seeing as ideally I'd have married when I was 22 years old and would already be starting to have miniature humans running around. Actually, just the fact that I call them miniature humans is evidence enough that I should go nowhere near the possibility of having kids right now.
MOVING ON.
I've been single for three years now. Sometimes I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been three years. I dated for two. This means I started dating five years ago. Silly me. What did 18 (almost 19) year old Jess know about dating? Squat. There are days where I hold on to hope and the fact that I'm still in my early/mid twenties. I've also gotten tons of encouragement from my numerous girlfriends (bless their hearts) such as: "you're still young", "relationships/marriage is harder than you think", "you're totes beautiful/gorgeous/pretty and any guy would be lucky to have you", and "yeah, you're opinionated but the right guy will love you for it". Sometimes it's hard not seeing those statements and encouragements as band-aid solutions, as if the instant they are spoken over me, that automatically makes them true. I wrestle with two types of insecurities. One being physical insecurity, not believing I am "beautiful enough" (whatever that means) and the other one being personality/character insecurity. It is no secret amongst those who know me that I have some pretty strong opinions and values. While they're usually accepted and tolerated by those who call me "friend", these opinions are not often seen as making me "datable". "Sure, I can be your friend and tolerate your strong views but date you? lol!" Still, I'm hoping. Hoping that maybe somewhere out there someone exists who might possibly travel Northern Europe with me while we love Jesus together, talk about feminism, and let God change this world through us. Someone who is okay with being with someone who struggles with defensiveness, who doesn't back down from her values, who wears her heart on her sleeve, who is not the most beautiful girl in the world, and who will never not care.

So how do I choose? Maybe a better question would be: Do I have to choose? Is there any possibility that those two sides of the coin might work together? Can I find acceptance in who I am right now and be content, yet hold on to the hope of a possible, future relationship? That's exactly what I'm trying to find out. I believe there is a way, I just have to find it. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's being persistent.

On Jealousy, Craving Attention, and Social Media

There are days where jealousy takes over my life. It doesn't help that I see most people's lives through the filter of social media. Stellar pictures, instagrams that would make anyone jealous (and a lot of times that is what they are intended to do), heart-warming life updates, exciting adventures shared through posts and blogs, etc. We are all "guilty" of this. I put "guilty" in quotation marks because I don't think it is inherently wrong or "bad" to do this. That is what social media is for, isn't it? To inform others of what our life is like at the moment. Whether we acquired an amazing job, just got into a relationship/married, are travelling, or are just enjoying this blissful life to the max. We want to share it with the world because we are social beings.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? If something exciting happens in our lives and no one knows about it, is it still exciting?

Unfortunately I've had to ask myself this question many times. Too often I would defend my ever-increasing presence on social media by saying that I have convictions and that these convictions need to be shared, whether anyone is listening or not. Sadly, I have come to the conclusion that hardly anyone listens. The only thing it's gotten me is a weird reputation as: the über-feminist girl with the instagrams and a blog that no one reads.

And because I crave attention even more when it isn't given to me, I observe the environment around me, see through my distorted glasses, and it always seems like other people's lives are better than mine.

I've contemplated deactivating my facebook account entirely. I mean, what a sad life are we living if we cannot stay away from it? How much have we been conditioning ourselves to depend on this form of social media for self-validation? Too much, if you ask me.
Knowing my knack for diving into extreme ideas and never following through, I almost immediately realized that I probably wouldn't be able to stay away from it completely. I am going to be limiting my time spent on it and hopefully get it through this thick skull of mine that, at least on social media, no one cares what I have to say. And even if they do, I can still make an impact on this world by interacting with people face to face. I'm pretty sure God will be able to handle the lack of social media and still put me to use.

Maybe I'll blog about what it's like to be staying away from things such as facebook soon. Maybe I won't. We'll see...