Authenticity in Suffering

Think back to when you were a child. What was your favourite game to play with others? Was it tag? Or a team sport? Maybe you were the board game enthusiast (which is cool -- board games rock). Personally I was always a big fan of hide-and-go-seek. I crushed this game, every time. I was a master or hiding places and disguises; always the last one to be found - if I was found at all. Every nook, niche, and spot immediately jumped out at me and I was set. There have been instances where I would fall asleep in my spot because the others weren't able to find me. My point being: I loved to hide.
But I wouldn't just hide in games. I would hide so many things in my life from others, covering it up however well I could. Truths about me and how I really felt about things never got exposed. I went through most of my childhood feeling misunderstood, neglected, and abandoned due to the fact that no one actually knew what I was thinking and feeling. Something in me changed though and as I began to grow into the person I am today, I fell in love with opening up. I grew tired of putting on a mask and not showing people what was really inside me. Part of me had always been afraid of showing people the real 'Jess' because I thought they would leave me once they knew. I thought no one wanted to know what I really think, believe, and feel.
As post-high school time went on and I was transitioning into the adulthood/college period people seemed to latch onto me. To this day I do not believe that I have amazing things to offer to people. I lack both the resources and skills that would make me a "useful" friend. What I do have to offer, however is authenticity.

I was talking to a friend today and we were discussing the importance of authenticity in our lives, especially for those who claim to be a part of the body of Christ. I'm sure that many books and articles have been written about this subject but I wanted to approach this from where I am coming from.
Many of you are hiding. You don't let the world see the real you. Some of you even hide a lot from those closest to you. It saddens me when people think they have to hide behind an array of masks, pride, jokes, apparent competence, and a belief that they have to have it together at all times. Maybe you feel as though people won't respect or like you as much if you just started opening up and leave that fake smile behind. And perhaps that might be true in some cases. The thing is though that I (and most others) respect a person so much more when they are being vulnerable with me. I'm not talking about people who do not understand the concept of boundaries or persistent complainers but those who are truly authentic and vulnerable with me. I have friends who I have never seen cry and that is perfectly okay. I would never expect anyone to burst out in tears in front of me in order to show their vulnerability. I do know people though that had put up a front for the longest time until they finally broke and I saw them shed tears. You know what I thought of in that moment? I didn't think they were weak or incompetent. My respect for them increased by so much. I cannot stand the fact that tears have been deemed an exclusively feminine trait by our culture. Men are not given the emotional right to appear vulnerable for fear of feeling too exposed and weak.

In reality, authenticity and vulnerability is the very thing that connects us all. How are you going to relate to others in their suffering when you can't admit that you're suffering as well? Suffering is something that every single human being that has ever lived and that will ever live goes through. We all experience it. Why do we often pretend like we don't? What do we gain by telling people that everything is great when, in reality, everything inside of us wants to break down?

I think it would be a great testimony as Christians if we were to turn the tables on the issue of suffering and vulnerability. Think of how many people you could potentially help if you were to actually talk about what is really going on in your head. When was the last time you asked someone if you could talk to them about what you are going through? When was the last time you genuinely asked someone personal if they could pray with you over a situation? When was the last time you actually opened up to someone?
Don't think that you can make it on your own. If you believe that you can fly through this life emotionally solo, you are in for a very rude awakening. We have been given a community of believers, the church, for a reason. Yes, we are all imperfect and flawed but that's kind of the point, isn't it? We all have things we want to hide from others. We all think that people won't love and respect us as much if we were to truly open up to them, but the reality is that that is a lie. Most will give you even more love and respect if they could only see you sharing in their suffering.

"We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasure, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world... No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. It removes the veil; it plants the flag for truth within the fortress of the rebel soul."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Give Me My Daily Bread and My Daily Death

"God is great, so we don't have to be in control. God is glorious, so we don't have to fear others. God is good so we don't have to look elsewhere. God is gracious, so we don't have to prove ourselves."

The four absolutes still ring with truth, as clear as I first heard them. When I sat in church yesterday and listened to the message, I begged God to show me what it means to clearly live them out. I want to be completely transparent and note that I have been struggling heavily with disbelief lately. There are moments and days when God either doesn't seem real or an idea too good to be true. What are the chances that there is a good God who created this earth and freely gave up his son to atone for our sins so that we would have the hope of spending eternity in his glory? It just seemed like too optimistic of a plan. What did people mean when they said I don't even have to do anything except to rely on his grace to pull me into freedom? How could I possibly be sure of my salvation if this entire philosophy relied on faith and faith alone? My soul became restless, filled with fear of the unknown. Conveniently, I spent the last few months listening to Village Church's Great Debate series, where we explored different philosophies and worldviews. It gave me some intellectual insurance by walking through these views and philosophically taking them apart and seeing why they couldn't possibly be the truth. 

Disbelief causes fear of the unknown. I am in a stage of life where nothing is predictable. Of course, no matter what stage of life you are in, it is never predictable, however I am feeling this even more so with finishing up my college degree and finding a place to live. As I listened to the attributes of God being explained yesterday morning I wanted God to truly show his face to me by helping me live these views out. I knew that, at that moment, I challenged God. When you ask God to show you something or to help you overcome a certain area of your life, do not take it lightly. Be prepared for him to wreck you completely so that, in the end, you have nothing left to rely on but him. 

Yesterday morning I was under the impression that a certain area of my life had worked out for sure and was secured. I was excited and couldn't wait for that time to begin. When I asked God to show me what it means to trust him, I had no idea what he would do. I came home to a missed call and a voicemail on my phone. Listening to the message made my heart drop because in that second, just like that, my plan fell to pieces. Something that I was so sure of simply vanished into thin air, leaving me to decide what my attitude was going to be towards it. Was I going to get bitter and complain? Or would I pick up my heart and hand all of my expectations to God instead of keeping them inside my own hands? I decided that fear wasn't worth the feeling of control over my own life. I would rather put my faith in the one who holds this world and everything in it. 

Strangely, that situation and my changed attitude towards it erased much of my held disbelief in God's sovereignty and his existence in general. It seemed like I had the thing I wanted, it was taken away, and my faith was strengthened. This is grace. This is love. And this is the faith that I cling to. I want to die to my own desires, my own control, and my own need to fix things every single day. When Jesus teaches us to pray, he says to ask God to give us our daily bread. Not our weekly bread. Not our monthly bread. Not our yearly bread. Our faith relies on a day-to-day system where we deny ourselves each day and also trust God to provide for us that very day. 

Take My Heart - I'll Be Okay

Vulnerability is a tough concept to master. True vulnerability lays it all out while also being confident about the facts we are presenting about ourselves. In order to do this we must develop a thick skin and a soft heart. But how do we do this? It's a cruel trick, because when our hearts start becoming soft, so does our skin. All this leads to is our compassion and kindness coming back to bite us because we cannot differentiate between kindness and being taken advantage of. If we do, however decide to let our skin harden, often times our hearts suffer and become like stone. We become closed off.
All my life I have been told to develop a thick skin. It was for my own protection and safety. I have found this to be an extremely difficult concept, mainly due to the fact that my soft heart will not let my skin harden. I often become defensive and let others take advantage of myself. This creates a victim mentality, which creates bitterness and in turn hardens my heart. And so it seems like the only time my skin actually begins to harden, it does so at the expense of my heart.
How do we find the balance of possessing thick skin and a soft heart? Unfortunately I have not found this yet. I tend to drift towards softening every aspect of my existence, which means that I feel easily attacked.

Vulnerability does not equal weakness. Vulnerability speaks of a strength that few of us bother exploring because it is painful. Vulnerability says "Take my heart and explore. I trust that you will not damage it. But even if you do, I will be okay."

I will never stop asking God to show me the concept of true vulnerability, because it gives me life.

Never Changing

In my bed I am safe. The purple blanket I have owned for over five years provides comfort and familiarity. Amidst this life of ever-changing circumstances and situations, it's nice to know that some things remain constant. Never-changing. Trustworthy.
I cannot count the number of times my life has taken a dramatic turn into the opposite direction within a matter of minutes. Most of the time, these have been negative circumstances. Moments of utter defeat. Moments where life seems to just have shattered on the ground before me, leaving parts of me in shambles.

Disappointment. Disconnect. Disillusionment. Distractions. Distance.

You're pushing down on my shoulders
And emptying my lungs
An in a moment I'm older
In a moment, you've won
And you escape me
Like it's nothing
Like words I never should have said
And the stress comes to the surface
But all of the heroes are dead

Too often I find myself gasping for air in this life. I need to feel alive. When you are surrounded by brokenness, it is easy to believe that you are dead inside. Years of depression have taught me that. It is a slow drowning of your mind. You are surrounded by water. Oxygen is becoming scarce.

At some point I remembered that I am not dead yet. I needed air in my lungs. I was tired of life pushing down on them while I did nothing and just watched. When circumstances change, when the water begins to rise, and when disillusionment sets it, I see the constant. Instead of distractions, I receive focus. Instead of distance and disconnect, I get closeness. Instead of guilt, I get God.

He is my never-changing One.

Two Sides of the Coin

Loneliness is real. Why do you think porn is so profitable? It leeches onto those that are lonely inside. It's also why Netflix and pizza places are so popular. No? Maybe that's just me...
Point being is that whoever tells you loneliness is not real or not painful or easily fixed with material things is a dirty, dirty liar and is probably trying to sell you something.

The dilemma I've had to confront more and more lately is choosing a particular side when it comes to relationships. Those sides being: either accepting that there is no one out there "for me" or holding on to hope that, maybe someday, I'll find someone to share this life with on a day-to-day basis. I wrestled through this with my mentor, exploring each side in depth.

One side of the coin: Acceptance
I can look at my life the way it is right now, realize that I'm okay, and move on. I can recognize that I do not, in fact, need someone to fulfill certain needs and desires because sacrificial living is necessary. Everyone sacrifices something different, right? In my case it might just be my "right" to be in a healthy relationship. Quotation marks are used because too often we find ourselves being entitled to certain things in this life like relationships. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn that, just because you desire something, does not mean you are automatically entitled to it. I desire lots of different relationships (both romantic and non-romantic ones), but does that mean I'm ever going to get them? No. See, this is tricky because we were created for the purpose of relationship and community, so knowing that some will not ever get this doesn't seem fair. But then again, it also doesn't seem fair that a 10 year old girl is sold into slavery. It doesn't seem fair that a guy in his twenties is diagnosed with cancer and dies. It doesn't seem fair that people suffer. Period. Putting life into the right perspective can get you a lot of insight and challenge long-held beliefs you held on to. Technically I don't deserve anything, yet I have been blessed immensely by God's grace that is evident in my life, daily. Fabienne Harford, in her article entitled 'Sex and the Single Woman', points out that "Today, my body wants something tangible and physical it was designed to have. And today, I don't get to have that thing. Of course my body grumbles, and as it does, I get to testify that in the midst of my hunger, God is trustworthy. I'm learning to hunger for something better." Well put, Fabienne.

Other side of the coin: Hope
I'm young, right? Most would say so. My grandma would probably say I'm long overdue for marriage, seeing as ideally I'd have married when I was 22 years old and would already be starting to have miniature humans running around. Actually, just the fact that I call them miniature humans is evidence enough that I should go nowhere near the possibility of having kids right now.
MOVING ON.
I've been single for three years now. Sometimes I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been three years. I dated for two. This means I started dating five years ago. Silly me. What did 18 (almost 19) year old Jess know about dating? Squat. There are days where I hold on to hope and the fact that I'm still in my early/mid twenties. I've also gotten tons of encouragement from my numerous girlfriends (bless their hearts) such as: "you're still young", "relationships/marriage is harder than you think", "you're totes beautiful/gorgeous/pretty and any guy would be lucky to have you", and "yeah, you're opinionated but the right guy will love you for it". Sometimes it's hard not seeing those statements and encouragements as band-aid solutions, as if the instant they are spoken over me, that automatically makes them true. I wrestle with two types of insecurities. One being physical insecurity, not believing I am "beautiful enough" (whatever that means) and the other one being personality/character insecurity. It is no secret amongst those who know me that I have some pretty strong opinions and values. While they're usually accepted and tolerated by those who call me "friend", these opinions are not often seen as making me "datable". "Sure, I can be your friend and tolerate your strong views but date you? lol!" Still, I'm hoping. Hoping that maybe somewhere out there someone exists who might possibly travel Northern Europe with me while we love Jesus together, talk about feminism, and let God change this world through us. Someone who is okay with being with someone who struggles with defensiveness, who doesn't back down from her values, who wears her heart on her sleeve, who is not the most beautiful girl in the world, and who will never not care.

So how do I choose? Maybe a better question would be: Do I have to choose? Is there any possibility that those two sides of the coin might work together? Can I find acceptance in who I am right now and be content, yet hold on to the hope of a possible, future relationship? That's exactly what I'm trying to find out. I believe there is a way, I just have to find it. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's being persistent.