When Complaining is Counterproductive

If you're friends with me at all and if we talk on a semi-regular basis, you've been hearing me complain a lot over this past week. I genuinely want to, publicly, apologize for this. I know I need tell you this in person as well but this is a start.

Last week I officially had to give up my car and I may as well have gotten rid of all my belongings and moved to a third world country, because that is exactly how I reacted. My life was definitely over, doomed to the ways of public transportation; a lifestyle I had only briefly explored in my first year of college when I was too poor to keep up car insurance payments. As that year came to a close and I was able to embrace my dear vehicle again, I swore that I would never sink this low again. I would never leave Morgan's side again and vowed to the people around me that I would be driving this car to its bitter end. Little did I know that his end would come sooner than expected and I was thrown into a world unknown. A world where buses don't care if you have somewhere to go at 10pm or that you want to keep your commute to less than two hours. I'm being melodramatic again but my point is: I felt lost. And stuck. And just generally crappy, because now I couldn't rely on a car to get me to wherever the heck I wanted and that scared me. Especially my work commute starting in March when things are only going to become more difficult for me.

Today I sat in church and heard my pastor talk about the defining factors of living like Jesus, namely the Fruit of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, etc. Do those things define your life? Because if they don't, you're not fully growing into the character of Christ. It's easy to feel like we possess love when we only hang around people that show mutual love. It's also very easy to think that you're a joyful person when nothing tragic has happened in your life. Only when we encounter circumstances in life that counter the Fruit of the Spirit, will we actually have a chance to develop that fruit.

Only by being around people you don't love, will you grow in love. 
Only by experiencing sadness, will you grow in joy. 
Only by experiencing conflict, will you grow in peace. 
Only by having your buttons pushed, will you grow in patience. 
Only by experiencing hostility and selfishness, will you grow in kindness. 
Only by experiencing corruption, will you grow in goodness. 
Only by being let down, will you grow in faithfulness. 

Needless to say I got convicted regarding my constant complaining about how hard my life is at the moment. This isn't how I'm going to grow. As I am focusing on the things I don't have and I think I need, I was essentially saying that Jesus wasn't enough for me. Thank God that He keeps reminding me of the fact that He is enough. There's nothing else I need.

Nothing else will satisfy my soul. Only Jesus.

A Funny Lesson in Obedience

No one has ever become poor by giving. 

This Fragile Life

I have never known loss to this extent until now. Sure, I've grieved situations and relationships in the past and those bring with them their own pain but losing someone to the inescapable reality of our mortality is a completely different feeling. To know that you won't get to see the person's smile on their face anymore, that you won't get to hear their stories, that they have told oh-so many times before, anymore is... overwhelming. On one hand it's "better" to have already anticipated the person's passing rather than having them go suddenly but when the case is a slow deterioration of the mind, to the point where they are unable to communicate in the end is unbearable. In my last conversation, I had a feeling that this may have been it. That I wouldn't ever get to have a conversation again. At the same time, part of me was holding on to the hope that I would, maybe, get to see his face again, asking him to repeat all the stories he told me as a kid. Back then I would be begging, in my mind, for him to stop because I had heard it all before. Now these stories are escaping my memory and that scares me. It scares me how fragile our memories and our lives really are. And there is no escaping from it.

--

I remember how I would visit my grandparents every once in a while as a kid. My favourite thing to do was to go rollerblading with my Oma down their street, up a little hill, and then along endless amounts of farmland, all the way to the forest. I would race ahead, come back, circle her, and every once in a while we would stop and just watch the cows go about their day.
In the mornings my Opa would walk to a farm to get fresh milk from the farmer. I loved coming with him. I can still clearly remember the road we would walk down, filled with beautiful wild flowers to the left and endless amounts of forest to the right. On the ground? Mostly cow dung but hey, you take the bad with the good. When we finally got to the farmer I would run towards the calfs while he fetched the milk. I never had much of a desire to live on a farm (city girl at heart), but every once in a while it was simply magical watching and petting little calfs, all the while the German Shepard stood guard and barked.
This was more than a decade ago and I would give anything to have one more of those days to truly treasure it.

--

Five years ago I took a short flight with my grandparents and to be completely honest, it's frustrating enough navigating through a massive airport by yourself, never mind having two elderly people in tow who don't speak a lick of English. As I look back, however these things become less of an inconvenience and more of time spent together that I should have cherished right then and there. But we never do, because we don't think about the fact that any minute and every moment we spend with people could very well be our last. I'm not one for creating paranoia and being constantly scared of what happens to people when we're not with them but at the same time, I think it would do us all some good to appreciate the time we spend with people more.

--

Right now I'm resting in the assurance of God's sovereignty over all. Rather than asking Him why he took him away, I want to thank him for allowing me to have a relationship with such an amazing man of God.

23 → 24

Sometimes I like to think that I'm a writer. Thoughts run through my mind constantly and writing them out is a way for me to process them. I simply cannot process my thoughts, feelings, and emotions without either talking them out with someone or writing them down. Sometimes I like to think that I'm a writer. Then I realize how terrible my form is, how awful my sentence structures are, and how badly I articulate my words. Still, I enjoy writing. It doesn't have to be for everyone. Most of the time, it's just for myself and that's okay.

It's now a day before my 24th birthday and I am sitting in my suite, staring at the coffee table where I put down my Starbucks coffee, my boots thrown on the ground by the door, a couple of dishes in the sink that need to be washed, and listening to José González' Stay Alive. I'm home.

Sometimes there's things a man cannot know

Gears won't turn and and the leaves won't grow 

There's not place to run and no gasoline 

Engine won't run 

And the train won't leave

I will stay with you tonight

Hold you close 'til the morning light

In the morning watch a new day rise 

We'll do whatever just to stay alive 

Wait... I'm home? Yeah, I'm home. I actually have my own home. For years and years I didn't have a physical home that I could call my own. I reverted to calling people my home. Wherever I was loved, that was home to me. But this feeling of actually being able to come home after a day of work or social outings and knowing that this is my space is very unusual for me. This is a new place to make memories in. Good or bad. I welcome them both. 

I like to think of 22 being the worst year of my life and 23 the best. My life changed drastically from 21 to 22 and then again (for the better) from 22 to 23. 

22 was the year I lost all will to live. It got so bad that I had to seek counseling in order to even function throughout the day. By the grace of God and through the means of therapy I was able to break away from my past and all the pain I had gone through. 

Then 23 happened. I became a healthy and stable person. Relationships were reconciled. Friendships were born. Adventures were had. College was finished. An awesome job was scored. I'm finishing up a huge chapter of my life today and my trust in God has strengthened immensely.

I could probably write pages and pages about the things I have learned, not only throughout this past year but throughout my entire life. I could go on and on about the people who have helped me become the person I am today. I could fill a book talking about the people that I love. But here's the thing: Whatever I learned, you probably already have or will learn in the future. And the people who have shaped my life? You already know who you are. But I'm not just thanking people and situations that have made my life easy and comfortable and loving. I'm thanking people and situations that have made life difficult for me. You know why? Because no matter how difficult life got, God pulled me through and changed me through it. I am grateful for the difficult times. They have made me more resilient. 

Whether 24 is filled with opportunities, hard life lessons, growing pains, adventures, love, or all of them... I welcome it. 

1 year-old me full of hope for the future. Either that or just gassy and/or hungry. I always make puppy dog eyes when I'm hungry.

Authenticity in Suffering

Think back to when you were a child. What was your favourite game to play with others? Was it tag? Or a team sport? Maybe you were the board game enthusiast (which is cool -- board games rock). Personally I was always a big fan of hide-and-go-seek. I crushed this game, every time. I was a master or hiding places and disguises; always the last one to be found - if I was found at all. Every nook, niche, and spot immediately jumped out at me and I was set. There have been instances where I would fall asleep in my spot because the others weren't able to find me. My point being: I loved to hide.
But I wouldn't just hide in games. I would hide so many things in my life from others, covering it up however well I could. Truths about me and how I really felt about things never got exposed. I went through most of my childhood feeling misunderstood, neglected, and abandoned due to the fact that no one actually knew what I was thinking and feeling. Something in me changed though and as I began to grow into the person I am today, I fell in love with opening up. I grew tired of putting on a mask and not showing people what was really inside me. Part of me had always been afraid of showing people the real 'Jess' because I thought they would leave me once they knew. I thought no one wanted to know what I really think, believe, and feel.
As post-high school time went on and I was transitioning into the adulthood/college period people seemed to latch onto me. To this day I do not believe that I have amazing things to offer to people. I lack both the resources and skills that would make me a "useful" friend. What I do have to offer, however is authenticity.

I was talking to a friend today and we were discussing the importance of authenticity in our lives, especially for those who claim to be a part of the body of Christ. I'm sure that many books and articles have been written about this subject but I wanted to approach this from where I am coming from.
Many of you are hiding. You don't let the world see the real you. Some of you even hide a lot from those closest to you. It saddens me when people think they have to hide behind an array of masks, pride, jokes, apparent competence, and a belief that they have to have it together at all times. Maybe you feel as though people won't respect or like you as much if you just started opening up and leave that fake smile behind. And perhaps that might be true in some cases. The thing is though that I (and most others) respect a person so much more when they are being vulnerable with me. I'm not talking about people who do not understand the concept of boundaries or persistent complainers but those who are truly authentic and vulnerable with me. I have friends who I have never seen cry and that is perfectly okay. I would never expect anyone to burst out in tears in front of me in order to show their vulnerability. I do know people though that had put up a front for the longest time until they finally broke and I saw them shed tears. You know what I thought of in that moment? I didn't think they were weak or incompetent. My respect for them increased by so much. I cannot stand the fact that tears have been deemed an exclusively feminine trait by our culture. Men are not given the emotional right to appear vulnerable for fear of feeling too exposed and weak.

In reality, authenticity and vulnerability is the very thing that connects us all. How are you going to relate to others in their suffering when you can't admit that you're suffering as well? Suffering is something that every single human being that has ever lived and that will ever live goes through. We all experience it. Why do we often pretend like we don't? What do we gain by telling people that everything is great when, in reality, everything inside of us wants to break down?

I think it would be a great testimony as Christians if we were to turn the tables on the issue of suffering and vulnerability. Think of how many people you could potentially help if you were to actually talk about what is really going on in your head. When was the last time you asked someone if you could talk to them about what you are going through? When was the last time you genuinely asked someone personal if they could pray with you over a situation? When was the last time you actually opened up to someone?
Don't think that you can make it on your own. If you believe that you can fly through this life emotionally solo, you are in for a very rude awakening. We have been given a community of believers, the church, for a reason. Yes, we are all imperfect and flawed but that's kind of the point, isn't it? We all have things we want to hide from others. We all think that people won't love and respect us as much if we were to truly open up to them, but the reality is that that is a lie. Most will give you even more love and respect if they could only see you sharing in their suffering.

"We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasure, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world... No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. It removes the veil; it plants the flag for truth within the fortress of the rebel soul."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain