Never Changing

In my bed I am safe. The purple blanket I have owned for over five years provides comfort and familiarity. Amidst this life of ever-changing circumstances and situations, it's nice to know that some things remain constant. Never-changing. Trustworthy.
I cannot count the number of times my life has taken a dramatic turn into the opposite direction within a matter of minutes. Most of the time, these have been negative circumstances. Moments of utter defeat. Moments where life seems to just have shattered on the ground before me, leaving parts of me in shambles.

Disappointment. Disconnect. Disillusionment. Distractions. Distance.

You're pushing down on my shoulders
And emptying my lungs
An in a moment I'm older
In a moment, you've won
And you escape me
Like it's nothing
Like words I never should have said
And the stress comes to the surface
But all of the heroes are dead

Too often I find myself gasping for air in this life. I need to feel alive. When you are surrounded by brokenness, it is easy to believe that you are dead inside. Years of depression have taught me that. It is a slow drowning of your mind. You are surrounded by water. Oxygen is becoming scarce.

At some point I remembered that I am not dead yet. I needed air in my lungs. I was tired of life pushing down on them while I did nothing and just watched. When circumstances change, when the water begins to rise, and when disillusionment sets it, I see the constant. Instead of distractions, I receive focus. Instead of distance and disconnect, I get closeness. Instead of guilt, I get God.

He is my never-changing One.

Two Sides of the Coin

Loneliness is real. Why do you think porn is so profitable? It leeches onto those that are lonely inside. It's also why Netflix and pizza places are so popular. No? Maybe that's just me...
Point being is that whoever tells you loneliness is not real or not painful or easily fixed with material things is a dirty, dirty liar and is probably trying to sell you something.

The dilemma I've had to confront more and more lately is choosing a particular side when it comes to relationships. Those sides being: either accepting that there is no one out there "for me" or holding on to hope that, maybe someday, I'll find someone to share this life with on a day-to-day basis. I wrestled through this with my mentor, exploring each side in depth.

One side of the coin: Acceptance
I can look at my life the way it is right now, realize that I'm okay, and move on. I can recognize that I do not, in fact, need someone to fulfill certain needs and desires because sacrificial living is necessary. Everyone sacrifices something different, right? In my case it might just be my "right" to be in a healthy relationship. Quotation marks are used because too often we find ourselves being entitled to certain things in this life like relationships. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn that, just because you desire something, does not mean you are automatically entitled to it. I desire lots of different relationships (both romantic and non-romantic ones), but does that mean I'm ever going to get them? No. See, this is tricky because we were created for the purpose of relationship and community, so knowing that some will not ever get this doesn't seem fair. But then again, it also doesn't seem fair that a 10 year old girl is sold into slavery. It doesn't seem fair that a guy in his twenties is diagnosed with cancer and dies. It doesn't seem fair that people suffer. Period. Putting life into the right perspective can get you a lot of insight and challenge long-held beliefs you held on to. Technically I don't deserve anything, yet I have been blessed immensely by God's grace that is evident in my life, daily. Fabienne Harford, in her article entitled 'Sex and the Single Woman', points out that "Today, my body wants something tangible and physical it was designed to have. And today, I don't get to have that thing. Of course my body grumbles, and as it does, I get to testify that in the midst of my hunger, God is trustworthy. I'm learning to hunger for something better." Well put, Fabienne.

Other side of the coin: Hope
I'm young, right? Most would say so. My grandma would probably say I'm long overdue for marriage, seeing as ideally I'd have married when I was 22 years old and would already be starting to have miniature humans running around. Actually, just the fact that I call them miniature humans is evidence enough that I should go nowhere near the possibility of having kids right now.
MOVING ON.
I've been single for three years now. Sometimes I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been three years. I dated for two. This means I started dating five years ago. Silly me. What did 18 (almost 19) year old Jess know about dating? Squat. There are days where I hold on to hope and the fact that I'm still in my early/mid twenties. I've also gotten tons of encouragement from my numerous girlfriends (bless their hearts) such as: "you're still young", "relationships/marriage is harder than you think", "you're totes beautiful/gorgeous/pretty and any guy would be lucky to have you", and "yeah, you're opinionated but the right guy will love you for it". Sometimes it's hard not seeing those statements and encouragements as band-aid solutions, as if the instant they are spoken over me, that automatically makes them true. I wrestle with two types of insecurities. One being physical insecurity, not believing I am "beautiful enough" (whatever that means) and the other one being personality/character insecurity. It is no secret amongst those who know me that I have some pretty strong opinions and values. While they're usually accepted and tolerated by those who call me "friend", these opinions are not often seen as making me "datable". "Sure, I can be your friend and tolerate your strong views but date you? lol!" Still, I'm hoping. Hoping that maybe somewhere out there someone exists who might possibly travel Northern Europe with me while we love Jesus together, talk about feminism, and let God change this world through us. Someone who is okay with being with someone who struggles with defensiveness, who doesn't back down from her values, who wears her heart on her sleeve, who is not the most beautiful girl in the world, and who will never not care.

So how do I choose? Maybe a better question would be: Do I have to choose? Is there any possibility that those two sides of the coin might work together? Can I find acceptance in who I am right now and be content, yet hold on to the hope of a possible, future relationship? That's exactly what I'm trying to find out. I believe there is a way, I just have to find it. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's being persistent.