Monday 28 April 2014

Dear PLBC

To be completely honest with you, I don't know where to start exactly.
...
This past weekend has been nothing but laughter, love, friendships, and good times. It began with Friday night where our Ride To Nowhere took place. Saturday we spent most of the day either packing or preparing for the Spring Banquet. That turned out to be so much fun. The photo booth was a total success and I'm in love with how the pictures turned out. My wallet will most likely suffer because I intend on printing lots of them. Sunday started off with a fantastic message at Village Church (as always). In the evening we had our graduation ceremony. I am so incredibly proud of all the grads. The day ended perfectly when 27 of us showed up at Boston Pizza. I don't think I've ever enjoyed myself so much with this big of a group. Laughs all around.
Today consisted mostly of packing and spending some quality time with friends at the pier down at White Rock Beach and then getting delicious Indian food.

While this weekend has been one of the best in my life so far, it also came to an abrupt end. Today was goodbye-day. Right now I am unbelievably exhausted so it's hard for me to actually articulate my thoughts. I can't overstate how thankful I am for my PLBC family. I'm finishing up my third year, with one semester shy of my degree. PLBC isn't just a school. It's a community that will wreck you.

You heard me. The community here has wrecked me. And I mean this in the most positive sense. Before I came to PLBC, I had been living on my own for a while and I was fine. I was alright going to work and coming home to an empty place. I was ok being on my own. But after spending some time at PLBC it quickly became apparent that, once you get a taste of this community, it isn't easily left behind. I have seen way too many crying faces this weekend to prove this. PLBC has blessed me with seasonal friendships and lifelong friendships. I am equally grateful for both. I think a true sign of maturity is recognizing and coming to terms with the fact that some people are only in your life for a season. We all so desperately cling to the idea of everyone staying in our lives forever but unfortunately this is not a reality. Some people are meant to be in your life for a few months, a few years, or even longer but maybe not forever. You will definitely have people you'll be able to call up when you're old and you can spend time with them. But you won't be able to do this with everyone. And this is why I believe that coming to terms with this is a sign of true maturity. Mind you, while I am able to recognize this, I don't think I can fully come to terms with is just yet. I might just be in denial about this when it comes to certain friendships.

But hey! Life goes on, right? I want to dedicate this post to all my PLBC people. Whether we are seasonal friends, lifelong friends, inbetween, or we don't even know yet, know that I love and appreciate you. You make this school! You are a part of it. Even if you've graduated or are done, you will never not be a part of the PLBC community. Don't forget that! It's a home you can come back to. We literally have people all over the world that have come out of PLBC, serving God in their own unique way and this makes me incredibly happy.

Staff, oh my goodness. This school wouldn't run without you. Duh', I know. But seriously. You are probably more loved and appreciated than you can fathom. You're not just teachers, administrators, and workers. You are mentors and role models and the impact you have on the students is incredible. We look up to you. We truly do.

I am ecstatic to be coming back for another term in the fall. It'll be my last. Unless anyone wants to pay for more school of course. In that case, I'll send you my banking information if you so desire. ;)
But seriously: You all better take care of yourselves. Don't forget where you came from. Don't forget who holds you. Don't forget who you're serving. Don't forget your home. Because I sure won't.

All the love. <3

Friday 18 April 2014

Fears.

I have a love-hate relationship with... relationships. Any kind, really. I love growing into a relationship, giving it all I have, and really committing. But all too often, some relationships come to an awkward place. They either end all-together or they change in a way that no one anticipated and make you uncomfortable. The person you've grown to love as a friend, suddenly changed. And you wish they didn't.

I've never been good on my own. When I'm alone too much, it feels like a dark abyss is swallowing me. Days become dark and drag out into weeks. I'm not happy with any of my life decisions. It was especially bad last summer because I realized how much Bible college "made" me dependent on a community. Then as the end of the year approached I found myself alone. Sure I still had friends around me but not in the same way as actually living in a community. I am too much of an extrovert to be fine with living on my own. If I'm being completely honest, I am scared right now. This semester is coming to an end and I constantly have to remind myself to take it one day at a time but often, that isn't enough. I am longing for something that can't be fulfilled. It's a damn scary world out there and I just don't know if I'm ready to take it on. All too often I'll give off that cocky image of "Psh, what scary world? I'm independent and I like it. I don't have to rely on anyone."

But truth be told, sometimes I still feel like a fearful five year-old inside who needs someone to take care of her.

Sunday 6 April 2014

The little girl who wanted to join Greenpeace.

As of late, the pieces of my life seem to all be falling into place. As a little girl I had big dreams and plans for what my life would look like. It would start off with me training to be a veterinarian. Yes. I absolutely loved animals. My heart for them couldn't be bigger. I would know all the facts, read animals books day-in and day-out, and even subscribed to a magazine called Tierfreund ( : animal friend). Even just looking at the website now is transforming me back to the time when helping animals in need was the most noble profession I could think of. I was even adamant about joining Greenpeace no matter how much everyone around me bugged me for it. I was written off for investing too much into something that, according to others, didn't matter as much as making good money. I was taught to put money before passion. Comfort before conviction. 

As I grew into my teens, my passion from animals slowly transitioned into my passion for people and I was seriously thinking about becoming a lawyer. By being a lawyer I could slowly end the stigma of corruption within the judicial system and use my "power" for the good of others. I wanted to help. I also really liked to talk. When I found out how hard it would actually be to become a lawyer, I let go of that vision because at that time, studying was not something I wanted to invest in. 

For many years after that I wasn't sure what to do with my life. I was told to pursue nursing because nurses were in "high demand" and it would "pay good". I never cared for a good paying job. In all honesty, I just wanted enough to live and to somewhat save up. I never cared for having a big house with lots of kids and lots of bedrooms and a boat and a vacation house and a trailer and big screen TVs and 5 cars. Heck, I was fine with living my life alone in a small apartment and enjoying being with people rather than being too busy with my work life. 

I didn't think I would make it to college until that day arrived anyway. By God's grace I am just about done with my third year and have acquired a job as a barista at Starbucks. I have one semester of studies left and then I'm done. What's next, you ask? I actually don't know. All my life I have waited for my studies to be done, to be working full-time and to be enjoying life. Now that this is actually within arm's reach, I don't know how I feel about it. The whole world is open to me. I could literally move to somewhere  in Europe next week, find a job, and settle in. There are so many options and I'm starting to miss the trees because of the forest. 

But if there is one thing I have learned in all my years of searching, finding, losing, and searching again, it's that no matter what happens, I can only afford to take it one day at a time. I may dream about what my future life will look like but there is no guarantee. My dreams have changed so much, my outlooks on life have changed so much, and I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that there is no cookie-cutter type life. 

For now I'll allow myself to dream of all the possibilities but also remind myself to be ok with whatever happens, because there have been countless of negative events in the past, which I didn't appreciate at the moment but can look at now and say that they have shaped me into the person I am today.