Fears.

I have a love-hate relationship with... relationships. Any kind, really. I love growing into a relationship, giving it all I have, and really committing. But all too often, some relationships come to an awkward place. They either end all-together or they change in a way that no one anticipated and make you uncomfortable. The person you've grown to love as a friend, suddenly changed. And you wish they didn't.

I've never been good on my own. When I'm alone too much, it feels like a dark abyss is swallowing me. Days become dark and drag out into weeks. I'm not happy with any of my life decisions. It was especially bad last summer because I realized how much Bible college "made" me dependent on a community. Then as the end of the year approached I found myself alone. Sure I still had friends around me but not in the same way as actually living in a community. I am too much of an extrovert to be fine with living on my own. If I'm being completely honest, I am scared right now. This semester is coming to an end and I constantly have to remind myself to take it one day at a time but often, that isn't enough. I am longing for something that can't be fulfilled. It's a damn scary world out there and I just don't know if I'm ready to take it on. All too often I'll give off that cocky image of "Psh, what scary world? I'm independent and I like it. I don't have to rely on anyone."

But truth be told, sometimes I still feel like a fearful five year-old inside who needs someone to take care of her.