Saturday 28 September 2013

How this week has been a blessing.

Right now, it's peaceful. I skipped breakfast and am instead, sitting on my bed, room dark, listening to the rain coming down. I heard something about a storm hitting Vancouver and ironically it's been a while since I've felt so at peace. Other than the signs of the weather, it's quiet. Absolutely quiet. You see, this isn't normal for me. I'm the background noise girl. The girl who always has to have something playing in the background and even, believe it or not, used to put on shows whenever she would shower (provided that particular bathroom structure allowed it).

I'm trying to find a way to describe what this week has been like for me. A fresh start perhaps? New beginnings? It's not like my entire life has been changed around this particular week but then again... it sort of has. I'm becoming excited for life again.

Depression hit me hard this summer. I was in a rut. Every day felt like a struggle to get out of bed, I stopped going to church, and neglected a lot of my responsibilities. I didn't feel like an adult this summer. I felt like a whiney 5 year-old. A 5 year-old that's been hurting and was crumbling under the pressure to be happy. I lacked routine. I lacked accountability. I never lacked friends but I did lack genuine joy.

It's hard to describe what depression really feels like. Some days you feel absolutely nothing. It's a void in your heart, your emotions seem to have disappeared, threatening to never return and leaving you stone cold for the rest of your life. Other days you are hit hard with anger, disappointment, and hurt. Even as I'm writing this, I remember those feelings; those emotions. I remember them weighing heavily on my heart. I remember how they closed in on my throat, leaving me breathless, choking back tears continuously.

It's easy to give in. It's easy to give up. Self-harm was never an option for me in life, but this summer was different.

I knew that one way for me to cope with this in a healthy way was routine. No more sleeping until noon. No more going to bed at 3 or 4AM. School has very much been a godsend.
How does that saying go again? The devil loves an idle mind. That has been very true in my life. It gives me motivation to keep busy.

And boy am I busy now! Well, not like President Dennis Hixson busy. That man is Superman, I'm convinced. But busy nevertheless.
Apart from the usual things like class, work, and church I get to add to my weekly list:

Mentoring with Renee Hixson (super awesome lady who I'm convinced is Wonder Woman if Dennis Hixson is Superman).

Counseling once a week. This is something I've been needing for a while. I've dealt with a lot of issues in my life, but never professionally so I'm really looking forward to the healing resulting from this.

Village Church Community Group led by Jessica Teng. The Tengs are a family I really admire and Terry and Lori have just been such an encouragement in my life!

A new Church Plant with fellow PLBC'ers focusing on the Newton area in Surrey. I'm super stoked to be a part of this and to be reaching out into our community!

Last but not least: Supernatural. Yeah, yeah, save your scoffing. It really is on the list of things I look forward to on a weekly basis. :P

I guess, all this to say that I've been extremely blessed. I have numerous support systems, people that genuinely care about me, and accountability. But most importantly:

I have God.

Friday 20 September 2013

Either you're too lazy or you just don't care.

"I KNOW RIGHT?" we both yell, flailing our arms up in the air. "ME TOO!" we both exclaim with both excitement and contempt. "I can't stand those arguments!" we both sigh.

A blunt title, I know. Let me explain real quick. Today I got to sit down and sip a java with April in this beautiful (but ever-changing) Vancouver weather. April is my friend. How did we meet? I go to school with her boyfriend Luke who, one day, came up to me and said I should meet her because apparently we had a lot in common. And so it began. The first time we hung out I think we ranted for hours about social justice in the Christian context, human trafficking, and other issues in the world.
Just when we were talking today it made me think of the Bechdel Test. Wanna know what the Bechdel test is? Simple: Think of a movie. Then apply three questions to it. If the movie passes all three questions, it passes the Bechdel test:

1. Does it have at least two named women in it?
2. Do these two women talk to each other?
3. Do they talk about something besides a man?

You'd be surprised how many movies do not pass this test. Having said this, if our coffee date had been a movie scene, our movie would definitely pass this test.
I love, love, love talking to people about their views on social justice and how they regard Christians' involvement in it.

Something we both encounter in our conversations with people are individuals who are completely oblivious to the fact that Christians are called to act out love in this world. "Justice is what love looks like in action" goes the famous saying. And it's true. How can you truly love someone if you're not willing to care for them? How can you truly love someone if you're not willing to stand up for them if they're being oppressed?
"Well, that may be your calling in life but it's not mine." Whenever April and I hear this sentence, our muscles tense up, and we usually try to resist a very strong urge to punch something. No. No, no, no. Please. Just no. Don't say this. You're just insulting your and my intelligence in the process. Social justice and standing up for the oppressed is not simply a call some Christians have in their lives. No. It's a call that everyone is meant to live out. Can you live it out in various ways? Of course! No one's telling you what to do. Just do something! Educate yourself, educate others, donate, write to your leaders, etc.

Try to picture me saying this in love (I know, I know. That's hard to do.). Enough with the excuses already, alright? Can we all just acknowledge that we either don't care enough or are just too lazy to act instead of excusing our actions? And after acknowledging that, how about we work to change that? After all:

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." Matthew 25:40-45

It's not my intention to scare you into being compassionate. Not at all. That would be a false sense of compassion and the world doesn't need that. What I do want to do is get a response out of people; a discussion going. What does social justice look like? How much should we be involved? What can we do? What should we do? What exactly is our responsibility? I want compassion to arise naturally in others, not by force (unless it's by the force of the Holy Spirit of course). But what I want most of all, is for people to genuinely care.

What do you think?

Saturday 14 September 2013

I don't deserve it.

This isn't some long-winded post about an issue I am passionate about but rather a solemn realization that the past weeks have shown me how loved I really am.
I am, by no means, popular in any way and this blog definitely does not get the viewership I initially anticipated but those who do care about me show me so in various ways.

Just as I am continuously overwhelmed by the love and grace of God, I am also continuously overwhelmed by the love and care others show me. Whether you are a friend or mentor, you have enriched my life immeasurably.
Whether you've been in my life for years or merely for weeks, thank you!

I am thoroughly convinced that if it hadn't been for God sending you into my life, I would be a mess. It's because you're a vessel of God's truth in my life that affirms in me the idea of being ok the way I am. That I am loved. That I don't have to live up to some kind of societal status and pressure of being successful but that the true measure of success in my life is how much I have grown into the character of Jesus. And it's individuals like you who encourage me to achieve exactly that.

There is no way to repay you for this immense gift except for the fact that I want to always be an encourager in your life as well.

xo

Tuesday 10 September 2013

It's All In Your Head

Today it was, once again, a great privilege to sit down with one of the wisest, most compassionate, and most approachable woman I know: Renee Hixson. Mentor, friend, and encourager. Both of us have a great appreciation for issues surrounding mental health so naturally we gravitate towards this subject whenever we get together. Our talk today prompted me to blog about it so here we go!

Growing up, I didn't pay much attention to mental health, having always been told that it's overrated and that hard work and honesty is much more valuable than emotional and mental stableness. "Therapy is for the weak" they'd say. "Just get over it" they'd remark. "Pull yourself together" they'd sneer. "You're a disappointment. If only you worked harder" they'd bark. Looking back, it isn't a great surprise to me that I ended up suffering from mental health issues because I wasn't aware of them.

There is a lot of stigma and many presumptions orbiting the deep, dark abyss that is the mind and its state. Depression is seen as temporary sadness. Anxiety is seen as being too sensitive and cowardliness. Eating disorders are seen as selfishness and/or gluttony. And then there is this tiny phrase that many throw around like confetti, hoping it'll cure the person: "Just get over it. It's all in your mind." As someone else pointed out: "Why, yes. It IS all in my mind. If I could figure out a way to get it OUT of my mind, there wouldn't be an issue."

What is especially disheartening though is the fact that the one place where people should be able to feel free and talk about their mental state, but are halted from doing so, is the church. Now, don't get me wrong, because I don't want to make the assumption that every single church in this world is like this. I am more than convinced that there are plenty of churches who pay great attention to their people in need and who make an honest effort to support them. I have noticed however that there is a trend among church leaders (and also church goers) that doesn't sit quite right with me.
Let's take, for example, the ever-used picture of someone who broke their leg or who gave birth in a church community. People write cards, they may visit, they'll send meals, they'll ask how they can help. Why? Because the state that the vulnerable person is in prevents them from doing every-day tasks with the same ease they are used to. They struggle. And they need the support. Now let's take someone who is suffering from depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder (I could go on and on in listing various mental health issues). There usually is no physical, outside proof that they are struggling. They're not hopping on one leg. They're not tending to a small baby. But just like the person who broke his leg or the person who gave birth to a child, the state they are in, prevents them from doing every-day tasks with the same ease they are used to. You're right, it IS all in their heads. And this is exactly the problem. People assume that the mind is easier to heal and deal with than any other body part but this is simply not true.

How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, not wanting to live?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, being anxious about the smallest things?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, hating every fibre of your being?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, deciding whether you should starve yourself today or eat your weight in food?
How do you think you would handle waking up every morning, not having the motivation to even accomplish the simplest tasks?

It's not sadness. It's not laziness. It's sickness. Add to that the pressure of keeping it a secret because it's not socially acceptable to be struggling this way.
Some Christians will tell you that you just need to pray more or that you need to read your Bible more. These are never bad suggestions in of themselves since it's never a bad idea to get even closer to God but these things will not necessarily cure your sickness. God may have grace and He IS able to cure people of their mental illnesses within a second but He also provides other means. He provides therapists, He provides support groups, He provides leaders who take charge and help because He wants us to grow in community. He has placed the call of unity in our lives. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? Working together? As a community of believers? It's not "everyone for themselves". We ought to pull together. Leave no man, woman, and child behind.

When will we finally acknowledge the fact that there are a lot of us who are struggling with their mental health and the fact that it's not so different than someone struggling with an injury?

Especially as a church community, let's put an end to mental health stigmas and start talking about this.