The Perfect Christian Woman, Bigfoot, and Other Mythological Creatures

Ok, you may actually get less than you bargained for. I won't be talking about Bigfoot and other mythological creatures. What I am going to be talking about is our perceived notion of the Christian woman. You know, the Proverbs 31 kind of woman. Or at least the view that's been shoved down our throats for so many years.

Truth is, I don't have my crap together. Shocker. I know. I have foot-in-mouth syndrome. Sometimes my passion for something can be mistaken for me not having my emotions under control. I have vast amounts of student loan debt with no winning lottery ticket or Nigerian prince who needs my bank information in sight. With a failed, long-term relationship and no desire to have children, I'm also no little Miss Innocent. Up until last night this really discouraged me.

It started with toothpaste. Toothpaste for crying out loud. Halfway through brushing my teeth I noticed that a good chunk of toothpaste ended up my nose and my first thought was: Oh great, Jess. Seriously? You can't even handle brushing your teeth like an adult? In my mind this single, small incident reflected back on how my life is going. I'm almost in my mid-twenties. I don't have a permanent house to call my own. I'm single. I don't have a career. I have debt. I have incredibly dysfunctional family situations. Nothing is going according to plan. That's what the little voice inside my head kept telling me.

You wanna know what the plan was when I was 20 years old and just started attending Bible College?
Finish Bible College.
Get married to boyfriend. 
Get Master's in Psychology. 
Start a career. 
Have three children. 
Live mediocre-ly ever after. 

Truth is: I don't have my crap together. I can't speak for the men but I know that as women we are, so often, pressured into thinking that in order to be a successful woman of God you need to be a wife & a mother who fits into every single Christian cliché. A woman who has the perfect figure, who is a doting mother, who has an impeccable sense of fashion, and greets her husband at the door every day at 5:30pm with dinner ready on the table and the house in order.
Girls, please don't buy into this fairytale because that's exactly what it is: a fairytale. 

We are all different and unique for a reason. You want to know why I cringe every time I hear something about "Biblical Womanhood"? Because often what follows is an impossible set of standards, which we die trying to achieve. Listen to me: you don't have to have your crap together. I'll say it again:

You don't have to have your crap together. 

You get up every morning, you challenge yourself to grow. You get up every morning, you challenge yourself in your walk with God. Don't ever settle for a sedentary life. Just because you are surrounded by life's challenges doesn't mean you're a failure. Just because you are different from the women around you, doesn't mean that you fail at being God's daughter.

The next time you look at a woman in envy because she seems to have her life perfectly sorted out I want you to remember that this is most likely not the case. We all struggle in different ways. We all have these quirks about us that make us freaking awesome.

I get way too emotionally involved in TV shows. 
I'm vocal about social justice, feminism, and respect. 
I've been a horrible daughter at times. 
I value my friends tremendously. 
I pick my nose... sometimes. 
I pick my wedgies... sometimes. 
It doesn't take much to make me laugh. 
It doesn't take much to make me cry. 
I like to believe that my vulnerability and my transparency are strengths and not weaknesses. 
The older I get, the less I'm willing to settle. 
Sometimes I get overconfident and can be seen as arrogant. 
I love the gym.
I hate the gym.
I'd die happy if I drowned in caramel. 
Caramel. Seriously. 
Good food is the reason why I hate the gym. 
I have stuffed animals on my bed. 
Earlier tonight I had a dance party in my room. 
I like to believe I'm super tough. But I'm not. When faced with a choice, I will always choose tenderness.
I want people to listen to me without feeling the need to interrupt. But more often than not, this doesn't happen. 

My name's Jess and I don't have my crap together. 

And that's ok. 

Why the F-Word Needs to Become Acceptable

This is my desktop background. I've had it for a while and really like it because it sums up a lot of the things and values I stand for. Notice the key-word though: Feminist. 
In class this morning, someone who sat behind me read this little mantra, and addressed me by saying: "Not gonna lie, I saw the word "feminist" and kinda started judging you. But the rest of it is good though." Etc, etc, etc.
I'm sorry feminism offends you. Would someone please enlighten me as to why this is such an offensive word? To be completely honest, in most Christian circles, it really doesn't matter whether you utter the word feminist or the word fuck. Usually, you get about the same kinds of responses: gasps, utterances that vaguely sound like "What did you just say to me?", or simple disbelief paired with shaking of heads.
Someone once asked me whether I believe it's really necessary to call myself a feminist and if everyone else needs to follow that path. Probably not. I mean, honestly, would I cease to be a Christian if I simply stopped calling myself a Christian? No. I could call myself Bob for all I care. It doesn't matter so much what name I give myself but rather what I belief and how I act out those beliefs. BUT! Will I call myself a Christian even though it has garnered a disgusting reputation? Will I call myself a Christian if that means risking to be associated with Westboro Baptist Church? Of course! Because this world needs to get over its fear of names and false associations. I think it was Albus Dumbledore who said: "Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself." Now, I am obviously not saying that I'm relating Christians or feminists to Voldemort but I do believe that that statement holds some truth to it. Enough with the fear of names!

I'll probably stop calling myself a feminist at some point.

• When 1 out of every 3 women will no longer have been sexually abused at some point during her life, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When women no longer have to fear for their lives when walking home in the dark, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When rape culture is a thing of the past, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When rape jokes become extinct, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When porn, which degrades women and only aids in sex-trafficking, stops becoming a normal part of culture, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When victims of rape or physical/sexual abuse are no longer blamed for the action of their perpetrator, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When there are no longer an estimated number of 27 million people in this world being trafficked (mostly for sexual purposes), I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When there are no more "go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich" jokes, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When women in Christian circles are no longer looked down upon because they choose not to become a wife and/or mother, I will call myself a feminist.
• When boys and men stop being told that they're acting like a "pussy" or that they "throw like a girl" because this is offensive to both men and women, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When men finally understand that I am not against them but for them, I will stop calling myself a feminist.
• When the world finally recognizes women as people who deserve respect and who work just as hard, when the world stops seeing us women as over-emotional, period-driven, bra-burning, men-hating, creatures, when the world opens its eyes to the potential of every woman on earth, I will stop calling myself a feminist.

Then, and only then, will I stop calling myself a feminist.

Question is: when are you going to start?  

Expectations - The Big Game Changer

Okay.
Clear desk space. Tea in front of me. Water by my side. I'm showered after a long, productive day. Wet hair in a turban made out of a towel. Everything has its place. Everything is organized and clean with its little margins. That's how I like it. Coldplay is playing. Everything is right with the world. Few nights are more magical than when it's just me, my tea, and my thoughts.

Except... not everything is quite right. I ponder my relationships with people a lot. Constantly actually. A day doesn't go by that I don't evaluate at least one of the relationships I have in my life. Having said this, I place expectations on people. Unspoken ones, mostly.

I'll never tell you what I'm wanting to get out of our relationship but I want those things anyway. Of some people, I expect them to tell me how beautiful, smart, wonderful I am. Of some people, I expect them to help me out when I'm in a dire situation. Of some people, I expect them to follow me as if I was the greatest and coolest leader on earth. Of some people, I expect them to lead me as if I am so insecure in myself that I don't trust my own footsteps. Of some people, I simply expect them to make me laugh.

Now, before you think I'm the most selfish person on earth, do note that I love giving. I love to listen and to help out.

What's the issue then? The issue is that I place expectations on people that they are not capable of carrying. What my expectations really reveal are my insecurities. In a nutshell (and I almost wrote buttshell here), I want people to affirm my inner insecurities by placing expectations on them that they aren't even aware of. As soon as they start failing those expectations (as expected), I become disappointed and my insecurities are just thriving because clearly, if they didn't do all these things for me, I must not be worthy of it.

When this sort of thing happens, I either retreat into myself or I become angry with said person. Clearly they're not being a good enough friend or they would've recognized my unhealthy need for attention. *eyeroll* Can any of you relate to this or am I the only one who does this/feels this way?

What I now realize is the fact that I love people. I love having different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people. Does this mean that I will at some point benefit from having friends? Absolutely! I'm sure of it. But does it also mean that I'm in it for myself? Not at all.

I need to be a friend to someone because of what I have to offer them, not because of what I am able to gain.

The sooner I become aware of the fact that I cannot let my insecurities become someone else's responsibility, the sooner I am able to build healthier relationships where, when the other person does not behave in a way that I expect them to behave, I can be ok with myself.
If the other person has severely hurt you, know that this says more about them than you. Don't let your worth depend on them.

Your worth depends on your Creator. He has made you in His image and His grace is sufficient. Unlike us, He will never disappoint.

xo