Okay.
Clear desk space. Tea in front of me. Water by my side. I'm showered after a long, productive day. Wet hair in a turban made out of a towel. Everything has its place. Everything is organized and clean with its little margins. That's how I like it. Coldplay is playing. Everything is right with the world. Few nights are more magical than when it's just me, my tea, and my thoughts.
Except... not everything is quite right. I ponder my relationships with people a lot. Constantly actually. A day doesn't go by that I don't evaluate at least one of the relationships I have in my life. Having said this, I place expectations on people. Unspoken ones, mostly.
I'll never tell you what I'm wanting to get out of our relationship but I want those things anyway. Of some people, I expect them to tell me how beautiful, smart, wonderful I am. Of some people, I expect them to help me out when I'm in a dire situation. Of some people, I expect them to follow me as if I was the greatest and coolest leader on earth. Of some people, I expect them to lead me as if I am so insecure in myself that I don't trust my own footsteps. Of some people, I simply expect them to make me laugh.
Now, before you think I'm the most selfish person on earth, do note that I love giving. I love to listen and to help out.
What's the issue then? The issue is that I place expectations on people that they are not capable of carrying. What my expectations really reveal are my insecurities. In a nutshell (and I almost wrote buttshell here), I want people to affirm my inner insecurities by placing expectations on them that they aren't even aware of. As soon as they start failing those expectations (as expected), I become disappointed and my insecurities are just thriving because clearly, if they didn't do all these things for me, I must not be worthy of it.
When this sort of thing happens, I either retreat into myself or I become angry with said person. Clearly they're not being a good enough friend or they would've recognized my unhealthy need for attention. *eyeroll* Can any of you relate to this or am I the only one who does this/feels this way?
What I now realize is the fact that I love people. I love having different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people. Does this mean that I will at some point benefit from having friends? Absolutely! I'm sure of it. But does it also mean that I'm in it for myself? Not at all.
I need to be a friend to someone because of what I have to offer them, not because of what I am able to gain.
The sooner I become aware of the fact that I cannot let my insecurities become someone else's responsibility, the sooner I am able to build healthier relationships where, when the other person does not behave in a way that I expect them to behave, I can be ok with myself.
If the other person has severely hurt you, know that this says more about them than you. Don't let your worth depend on them.
Your worth depends on your Creator. He has made you in His image and His grace is sufficient. Unlike us, He will never disappoint.
xo
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