Blood and Water

"Blood is thicker than water. Remember that!"

I heard this every time I came close to straying from my family and their values. This saying bugged me. It told me that family was all I had on this earth. No one else. Everyone would abandon me. Little did I know that I would end up embracing this saying more than anyone, but we'll get to that later.

"Blood is thicker than water" was justified by saying that the family blood you share is much harder to penetrate and break, and also more important than any other kind of friendship. Friends would fail you. Friends would betray you and leave you hanging in the most dire of days. When your friends would make mistakes and show their human sides, they weren't worth keeping.
What about family? Family would always be there for you. Family would never leave you. You weren't allowed to leave your family. I don't know if anyone else grew up with this mentality hammered into their brains or if this was just a particular German/Mennonite thing to do but that's what I lived with every day: the fear of leaving my family.

I remember the first time that I didn't leave in peace. After having been kicked out of the house in Kelowna, I ended up moving to Vancouver, literally overnight. Fear and trembling came over me. How was I going to survive? What was I supposed to do without my family? See, this value had so been ingrained in me that I didn't think I'd be able to survive this world without my family.
Fortunately God came through and through his grace, sustained me.

Because of my family's mentality, I never really had friends growing up. I mean, I would hang out with this girl once a month or so but the rest of my time was spent either alone, with my family, or cousins. At school I was severely bullied up to the point where I wanted to take my own life. Again, God intervened and it is only by his grace that I am sitting here today, writing this.

My first real friend, who would end up going through thick and thin with me, I met when I was 15. She taught me what true loyalty meant. It is because of her that I learned the confidence to make friends. Of course my family didn't approve. They thought she may be a bad influence. Interestingly enough, we still consider each other as close as sister, after all this time.

Only after beginning my own, independent life did I realize the true potential friendships had. Friends truly are the family you choose. They build you up, encourage you, challenge you, tell you when you've messed up but never hold it against you. They forgive you without batting their eyes. They don't bring up past mistakes. They tell you that you have so much potential in this world and they always remind you of your shared, eternal, hope. They are the people who you can truly be yourself around. Sometimes this means having a cooler on the front porch while pondering life's deepest meanings, sometimes this means going gaga over a guy that said you looked cute today, sometimes this means them driving for an hour to your house because you cannot deal with life at the moment, and sometimes this means putting in the effort to maintain a deep friendship despite this world's stupid distance.

So wait, how did I come to actually embrace that saying "Blood is thicker than water"? Well you see, there is actually a larger context to this quote. The full quote says:

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

See, the word 'blood' in this instance does not refer to blood shared by your family's DNA. The covenant of the blood you've shed or shared with someone (sometimes literally) is stronger than the one I have with someone who I've shared a womb with. This is not to discredit family relationships in the least and I do apologize if it comes across that way. My hope isn't to diminish family relationships but rather to uphold covenants made in this life between friends.

My close friends know virtually everything about my past life. I've never been one to shy away from sharing. They know my ugly sides. And what did they do when they heard them? They embraced me. Not my past, but me. So yes, blood is thicker than water. Today I stand by this.

What is even more amazing however, is the truth that Jesus' blood shed for me is even stronger than any earthly covenant. If everyone in this world should fail me, I know for a fact that he won't. That is one blood covenant that cannot and will not be trumped by anyone or anything.
So remember this:

The blood of God's covenant is thicker than any water offered to you on this earth.

xo

my native tongue

they say writing is cathartic
                   -i'd agree

i don't know what it is about writing that is so releasing and satisfying. i've tried putting it into words but those words fail me every time.

wonderful
amazing
awesome
fantastic

just a few of my overused words in everyday language

i can't say much about words because i'm caught in the middle. my mother tongue being german, it is slowly slipping away from me like the darkness of the night which is being taken over by the oncoming dawn. except that in this case: the light that is coming does not bear good news. it is telling me that my heritage, my way of communicating, my entire system of speech is forgotten. like the warmth of the summer sun: first its disappearance goes unnoticed during our autumn months and then suddenly and violently, when you realize that we're almost in december.
you begin to cope. you adapt to life without the sun. heck, you embrace the darkness that comes quicker each day. you live with it. it becomes your new identity. not saying at all that english is a certain kind of darkness. i actually enjoy the dark, immensely. but a part of me wonders if summer will come again. i've grown to dislike the sun. darkness comes about easier.
it feels comfortable.
familiar.

i don't know if i will ever know the sun again as i have once known it. it may never be the same. i may never be able to fully embrace my native tongue again. it saddens me because it feels like i've shed a part of my identity and no one realizes how much it impacts me.

i don't speak with anyone that speaks my language. and when the rare occasion presents itself, i feel like a klutz. like a fraud. a counterfeit. not at all true to myself because i stumble over my words like one would stumble, running over a badly paved road. even as i'm writing these words, my mind is trying to translate them, like i have to prove something to myself. that these words are not true. that i'm not at all like i describe myself on this page. i almost have myself convinced that this paragraph is a lie when, once again, i stumble over my attempt to say this in german without pulling out the translator.

i guess i'm just scared that my language is just the start. that sooner or later, all my ties with my homeland will be cut.

i guess i'm just scared that, while gaining a wonderful home in canada, i've lost my other one in the process...

7 Ways Not To Be A Bitter Single Woman In Her 20's

We've all been there before. And by "all" I mean single women in their 20's. You know exactly those nights I'm talking about, right?

The nights we succumb to every ice cream flavour ever made.
The nights where Ed Sheeran's voice seems to cure our aching souls.
The nights we seem to remember every male who's ever hurt us and/or neglected us.
The nights we feel enraged and sad at the same time because our love hasn't ridden out of the shadows yet.
The nights where we wish we could slay the Witch King and proudly proclaim: "I AM NO MAN".

I'd be lying if I said I had never done these things before. All too often I would find comfort in my bed and Tumblr which provided me with hipster poetry and meaningless love notes that seemed to possess so much meaning at the time but whose depth faded with each passing minute.

Having said that, I know all too well what this longing feels like and therefore thought about how I could counter this. Below you will find ways you can work with your singleness and learn not to rely on your relationship status.

1. Grow closer to Christ. This may seem like an obvious one but it just needs to be stated. We often forget that He is our first love. No man on this earth can ever nor will ever fulfill you in the way God does.
       
a) This brings me to my first sub-point. In order to grow closer to Christ we need to: READ OUR BIBLES. Did I just blow your mind? I hope not. Because this one should be just as obvious. And yet: I don't think we realize the full impact reading our Bibles has.

b) Prayer. Imagine you do finally get into a relationship with someone. How will you keep it alive? How will you grow in love? What are you going to do when you're together? You talk. You communicate. Same with God. You communicate. Ever heard that communication is the most important thing in a relationship? It's overstated for a reason. People don't realize what this means. Be honest. Be in constant communication. Be open. Talk to God. He actually delights in it. And always be ready to listen to what He has to say. The more you listen, the more you'll hear him speak. The more you listen, the clearer his voice will become. I can't stress enough how important your prayer life is.

2. Make sure you have solid, female friends. I am incredibly blessed to have a group of girls in my life that keep me in check at all times. They encourage, listen, provide a critical eye, are always honest, and most importantly: value their own relationship with God. If you're in a position where you have no strong, female friends in your life: get involved in your church, your work, your whatever it is where you could possibly connect with some awesome gals. I know some girls who think it's cool that they only hang out with guys because "girls are full of drama". Oh boo-hoo. No one ever said friendships were easy. We cannot build our entire friendship circle on the opposite sex. This just isn't going to work out in the long run. So if you're one of those girls: suck it up and get some girl friends.

3. Know. Your. Worth.
You're not single because of that pimple on your forehead. You're not single because you can't fit into a size 4 jeans. (Boy, do I have to keep telling myself this.) Contrary to popular belief, you're not single because of your appearance. No matter how much your mother or your ex tells you that your level of attractiveness determines whether or not you get a boyfriend: Don't listen to them. They're wrong. Should you be well kept and groomed? Of course. Make sure you, you know, shower, brush your teeth, make sure your hair isn't flying in all directions, and wear clothes that actually fit you. Other than that: Don't feel like you absolutely have to be thin, wear expensive clothes, and wear make-up at all times in order to attract someone from the male species. Make sure to smile!

4. Find something you're passionate about. What ignites you? What gets you fired up? Why do you get up in the morning? Do you want to dedicate yourself to social justice? Fight against poverty, slavery, injustice, etc? Do you love making music and/or art? Do you love to write? Maybe photography? Or something in nature? Try out different things. Just because you're initially not good at something, doesn't mean it can't develop into a passion of yours. Without passion, our lives will be dull and grey. Find something that is worth getting into. And then get into it! Give it your everything! Make it a challenge.

5. Serve others. This one's actually so important. Throwing yourself a pity party and sulking about how lonely you are is a selfish act so in order to counter this, we must be selfless. I realize that we live in a pretty busy world but whether you're swamped with work, school or even both (as I am): try to find just a couple hours a week to serve others. It doesn't have to be big. It can be anything from volunteering with an organization to helping out your friends when they need something. Realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. Realize that we are commanded to love one another and that in this instance, love isn't just a noun but also a verb. Go out and look for opportunities to help.

6. Get counseling. It's not just for the weak. It's actually the strong individuals who realize that counseling is an amazing tool to grow in life and move forward. Are there things in your past you can't seem to let go? Has there been pain, abuse, and distrust? Seek therapy and work through these issues. You do not want these things to come up when you're in a relationship. This kind of baggage will set you up for failure in a future relationship.

7. Men are not the enemy. Can they be oblivious to our infatuation with them? Sure. Can they be clueless sometimes? Sure. But don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I know I've part-taken in my fair share of men-bashing rants when I was particularly angry with the world, but that was a mistake. Men are just the other side of the coin of a fallen, human race. As women we can be just as idiotic sometimes so just stop with the male-hate because it's giving feminism a bad name. As a self-proclaimed feminist, I take this one personally. Though it doesn't mean that I don't have tons of work to do in this area myself.

All this to say that being in a relationship isn't the be all, end all in life. They take hard work and you're better off dealing with your issues now, while you're young. Your problems will not magically disappear when you acquire a boyfriend and life will not be entirely rosy. You may forget about most of the world for the first several weeks but then reality kicks you back into motion.

If you're a single woman in her 20's: take heart and get up. Get going. Life moves on. Better keep up. :)

xo

In which I see this parable in a new light - Matthew 25:14-30

Last night I did some much-needed reflecting of my heart. It started with a conversation I had about responsibilities and assigned tasks. Let me preface this with the fact that I'm a very proud person. I don't always show it on the outside but what I want is to be better than everyone else. You wouldn't think that pride and self-esteem issues go hand in hand, but they do. And in my case: they're going steady.

I'd make a terrible leader. Admitting this in a college whose mission is to "Train leaders to make a world of difference."is kind of terrifying, not gonna lie. But it's the truth. For the past several years I thought I deserved better. A better job. A better wage. Better responsibilities. Something that will put me in the spotlight. I know, I know. My humility factor is through the roof. Take a slice of that! Or... don't actually.

After the aforementioned conversation of last night I had to do some serious thinking about this matter. Why is it that I want all these glorious jobs and why haven't I gotten them? I look at others who are involved in my school, even those who are fairly new, and they seem to have these "cool" responsibilities for which they're acknowledged and praised. They get to work for the school, they get to do promotional stuff, they get to be really socially involved and me? I am, once again, heading off to my job as a "mere" babysitter. That's when the Parable of the Talents popped into my mind. Those guys who were given great responsibilities worked well with them. They didn't complain about having too much or too little. But that guy who was only given one talent? What did he do? He buried it. HE FREAKING BURIED IT. Sorry about that random outburst but this is actually where it hit me. So what if I've only been given one talent? I better work with that talent instead of burying it or complaining about the fact that I've only been given one talent.

Clearly God knew what he was doing when he gave me that "one talent". How can we expect these glorious responsibilities when we're not willing to live with no recognition? How can *I* expect God to make me a leader when I'm not willing to shed my pride and follow?

It's time to lose the jealousy and be faithful to the situations and the responsibilities we've been given at this exact moment. Whether God lets you on the big screen or has you working behind the scenes, be faithful in all.

In Which I Reflect On Recent Events

A smile.

It means so much to me. There have been plenty of times where I could've killed myself laughing over something while simultaneously dying inside. But tonight I found a genuine smile on my face; one that has been achieved through much hard work.

I've been going to counseling for 5 weeks now and it's been helping tremendously. Bitterness, lack of motivation, triggers, heartache, guilt, pain, irritableness, and exhaustion are only a few things we've tackled so far and I'd say we've tackled them fairly well.
I'm letting go of the ever-familiar bitterness when faced with someone else's relationship.
I'm acquiring motivation to complete my work earlier.
I've been dealing with my triggers of abuse and have been managing them well.
I'm accepting myself and try not to boil my worth down to being in a relationship with someone.
I no longer place irrational guilt on myself but rather embrace the amount of compassion I have for others on myself.
I'm seeing my pain and rather than victimizing myself, God is giving me eyes to see the ways those pains have shaped my life.
I'm working on not becoming so easily irritated by noise levels.
I'm managing my time better so as to avoid complete exhaustion.

Like a river, or a creek: I'm not stagnant. I'm running and changing. By God's grace, my life is being shaped to strive for betterment.

I refuse to accept the lie that being stagnant is ok. It isn't. There are always lessons to be learned. There are always ways to improve in. Our culture tells us that change is bad. That change won't be positive and that we need to accept the state we're in right now.

Listen! We don't have to!
We can be content with who we are in Christ while at the same time, strive to be more like him.

Never did I think that I would be capable os so much change but 2013 is truly proving itself to be a year of complete turn-arounds. 180 degrees. No looking back.
Tackle one thing at a time. Imagine yourself a week from now; a month from now; six months from now; a year from now. Would you be happy with yourself if you started to change now? If yes, then why not do it? Your future self will thank you.

Being stagnant, stationary, and stale is no way to spend our years on this earth. Stagnancy is literally defined as a body of water that has no current or flow and, as a result, acquires an unpleasant smell. Don't be a smelly person.

Be a river. Fresh, flowing, and forceful. And most importantly: Always forward.

xo