Dry Bones Without You, Lord

I was quietly chuckling to myself as I typed in my url "missjessicahuber" and beside it the title of my blog showed up: "Recall My Name". I chuckled because at that moment of typing I was considering the type of post, or message if you will, I was about to write. It's something I've been struggling with all my life. Every moment, every difficulty, every journey has pointed back to this one point:

My identity. Who am I?

This question has haunted me ever since I can remember. I grew up not knowing I was half adopted but somehow always knew something was off. It wasn't until I finally uncovered this secret myself that pieces started coming together. Finally! But that wasn't the end of my quest. Far from it! Instead of solid answers, I was bombarded with more questions. Lies began to weave into my existence. I wasn't who I seemed. Out-of-body experiences were fairly common. Existential crises seemed like old friends I knew far too well.

I tried being "myself", whatever "myself" was. Most people didn't like it. My prominent need to be liked, admired, and loved took over and all I kept hearing was "You need to be more interesting." But I wasn't. So what is one to do when faced with this dilemma? You lie of course. You lie about your achievements. You like about your mistakes. You lie out of fear. The fear of not being accepted. I put up false fronts.

I've given up lying about my achievements and mistakes because there is no use fooling anyone anymore. Apparently people pick up on that too fast. Darn.
However the habit of putting up false fronts has not left me as easily. I always feel the need to adapt to whatever environment I'm in. Often times what will happen is this: I want to be liked. I'm not charming or unnecessarily beautiful. People like funny people. I'm not funny. But ohhh I am very talented at making myself the butt of the joke. Making fun of my own misunderstanding of the English language sometimes. Making fun of my own clumsiness. Making fun of my own stupidity. And hell, it worked! People were laughing, I chuckled nervously but then thought "nah, whatever" and joined the laughter. "Great," I thought "people like this. I should do this more often." Little did I know though that soon people started to see this as my only identity. The Not-So-Bright girl. Even my own family couldn't take me seriously. That's just me though, right? The non-intelligent girl. Even my ex's mom called me this.

I desperately wanted people to know that I could be smart and thoughtful but who am I, really?

The moment grace filled my life and I dedicated it to God, "Who am I" by Casting Crowns was playing. Now I am not a huge fan of their music but this song never left me alone because it poses the biggest question to me: Who am I? I've heard all kinds of answers, all ranging somewhere inbetween "You're a child of God, loved and bought with a price." My heart knows this but how do I translate this into my life, my character, my behaviour? Who is the real me? The smart and thoughtful Jess? The completely immature idiot Jess? The one suffering from depression Jess? The one who loves people but also detests them sometimes Jess?

Ever heard of the Enneagram? It's an ancient Catholic way of categorizing personalities. I don't usually trust these things but dang, they are scarily accurate! Cody referred me to this blog: http://shaunaniequist.com/the-enneagram-my-favorite-thing
Go on and read through it if you want to find out which describes you best. I fit #9 like a glove. And you know what's funny? Even the description of #9 says "Sometimes you are hard to put a finger on. It's like you are "blurry" as a person." Ah, gotcha. Well, this would explain... well... my whole life basically.

All this to say that, after years of searching, I still don't know who I am exactly. *Watches as all theology students try to explain to me that my identity is in Jesus.*
Guys, I know. But it doesn't really help.

So here. A little glimpse into my deeply personal life. Not that you needed it. I think I needed to write it more than anyone will ever need to read it.

Alrighty, going to have an existential crisis now.

BYE
xo