Last night I was driving the car and one of my best friends and I were listening to either Mumford & Sons or Imagine Dragons. Can't really remember but it was definitely good music. Then we started discussing issues. I don't know how we came across this topic but I find myself talking about this a lot with my girlfriends. Why? Because it's so relevant in our culture. And because a lot of churches just won't talk about it anymore.
The ever-present, all-encompassing, and continuously-relevant topic of human sexuality, how it relates to purity and how many lies we're being told growing up (whether those lies come from families, churches, or media).
Though the two of us have different degrees of experience in the area of sexuality we could agree on one thing: People love the extreme. I'm talking about either end. Fundamental liberals and fundamental conservatives. And no, I'm not talking about politics. I mean the religious. The Christians. The church as an organization.
Often times you have these people:
"Do.Not.Touch.Each.Other. when you're dating. No touchy. You want to kiss? Don't be ridiculous. That's compromising your purity. Hugging leads to sex. Dancing leads to sex. (Hi Oma!) If you're sexually attracted to the person, you're doing it wrong."
The you have those people:
"Oh c'mon, nowhere in the Bible does it explicitly say that it's not right to be sleeping with someone before you're married. You can still be a virgin if you have oral sex. If you're committed to each other, it's like you're already married so don't worry. You should sexually express yourself in whatever way you want."
Both make me cringe and give me this sudden urge to punch something. (No worries. I'm not usually a violent person.)
For this post, I want to concentrate on the first example.
If one more person tells me that having sex with someone you're not going to marry is sinning against your future spouse I'm going to have a fit. Never mind. I already had a fit. Not only is this view not biblical at all, it's also illogical and stupid. You cannot sin against someone you have no contact with. In addition: it's not like you're having sex with your future spouse and sinning against them sexually by taking away their virginity or something. You're sinning against the person you're having sex with at that moment and more importantly: against GOD. That's that. And we can all now please drop this phrase?
In this fundamental, conservative outlook on sexuality and purity shame is also a control factor. People who fall into sexual sin are never really forgiven by others, their past is constantly being held against them, and fear is the greatest weapon in this fight. Teenagers and young adults are constantly being told to avoid all physical contact when they're dating. No hugging, no holding hands, and no kissing. But lo and behold: On their wedding night they're supposed to get it on like rabbits during mating season. Just kidding. It's always mating season for bunnies. Anyways. Do you get my point? We're being drilled with ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE and then all of the sudden we're supposed to have this whole sex thing figured out when we finally get married. Having sex with someone is already supposed to be incredibly awkward and confusing. Not knowing anything about what to put where makes this a million times worse.
It's like people who promote this opinion thrive on their youth and young adults not being educated about their own bodies. Let me ask you this: What is so wrong about knowing how our bodies function? Here, I want to test something. I'll say a few words and you say them out loud when you read them, mmk? DO IT! (Unless you're in a public place, then, to spare yourself a lot of awkwardness, don't do it.)
SEX
ORGASM
PENIS
VAGINA
BREASTS
PUBIC
MASTURBATION
BOW CHICA WOW WOW
Did you cringe? (Sorry about that last one. I couldn't help myself.) Well? Did you? If you cringed, why? It's not really different than saying ARMS, LEGS, HEAD, FEET, or, HANDS is it? We have taken these words and made them dirty.
We have taken sex and made it dirty. (No jokes about dirty sex. I'm trying to be serious. Just kidding.) We have taken what is supposed to be beautiful and made it shameful.
Did God set boundaries for us to enjoy this? Absolutely! There are clear guidelines God gives us in His Word so that no one gets hurt by this. But outside of these, there is a lot of playroom. Do you want to hug and kiss before you're married? Who says you can't? (Please don't ask me about whether or not it's ok to have oral sex. People! It HAS the word "sex" in it. Pretty sure this one's pretty clear.)
I know several people who have vowed to not kiss their partner until their wedding day and you know what? I admire that! It takes a whole lot of strength, conviction, and self-control to hold to that and I have nothing but respect for them. But as soon as those people try to make their value MY value, I disconnect. This isn't my value, nor is is supposed to be my value. You like peanut butter? Sweet! I like Nutella Don't make me like peanut butter. You forget that the human race does not consist of just one generic culture. We have hundres of thousands of different cultures all over this beautiful planet and you cannot take a value and expect every other human being to live by this value.
Also, can we please have more compassion for those who have messed up sexually in the past? If you are someone who has ever looked down on someone else for messing up, let me ask you this: Did you ever get a good look at a smokin' hot guy or girl and have those frisky thoughts? Yeah? You did? Well HA HA. Joke's on you because according to Jesus that's just as bad as adultery. I am hereby stripping you off your judging privileges. (No stripping jokes. Guys! Seriously.)
But seriously. Living with whatever consequences of their sexual past, whether those are physical consequences, emotional ones, or psychological ones, they need to heal. What they do not need, is the church coming down on them and giving them a hard time for what they've done. What they need, what WE need, and what I need is compassion, understanding, and teaching. Let more of the older couples in the church rise up and volunteer to mentore the younger ones. Mentor young singles and teach them about sex. Mentor young couples and teach them about sex. In the same way I want to address the young singles and the young couples: Look for mentorship from an older (and mature) couple or older (and mature) single person. Don't think for a second that you have it all figured out, because you don't.
My parting thoughts: Sex is a beautiful thing that is meant to be enjoyed in the right and safe environment. We need to constantly strive for better education on this topic, and for more compassion.
I am planning on continuing to write on this in the future. I don't exactly know what or when, but if you enter your email address in the box above, you can subscribe to my blog and you'll be notified whenever I write a new post.
Hope everyone's having a great weekend so far!
xo
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